Legends

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE: The grave, cemetery

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Tears were in Elena's eyes as she watched the gravestone in front of her. She bent down and laid a bouquet of flowers on it. This was the best way she could mourn and apologize.

Kay was probably waiting for her at home. They planned to return to Denver in an hour, and they still needed to put their luggage in the car. Emily wasn't coming with them. She couldn't sell their parents' house and preferred living in it than watching it wither. It might also have something to do with the few dates with Julie, but Elena was in no mood to ask her sister about it.

Emily staying in Saint Charles changed everything. It made Elena think if she had a reason to stay. Asher's name popped in her mind, but was that reason enough? She knew she loved him, and she knew she couldn't deny it.

If he would ask her if she loved him, she couldn't lie to him. And once she had admitted it, she couldn't leave him. So was that the trick? Never again tell him she still loved him?

Thinking of her apartment in Denver, she realized she didn't want to go there. She didn't know where she did want to go, but it wasn't Denver. Staying in Saint Charles also didn't seem possible, yet she couldn't manage to imagine her future anywhere else.

She sighed. Coming back had really messed everything up. She overthought everything too many times, and now she was even considering staying.

Then she thought of why she couldn't stay, and again Asher's name popped up. Because of her he had not only lost his leg and his future, but also a child. He might tell her he was alright with it, but was he really? Wasn't he just trying to convince her to stay?

She couldn't look at him and not think of what she had done to him. She couldn't go on with her life without blaming herself.

And still...

Still there was a part of her that considered staying. She felt like she had missed out so much when she was in Denver. If she would return there, she would realize every day she was still missing out. And for some reason she didn't want that.

A scoff escaped her. Was her fear of missing out so big it would convince her to face her past every day? Or was this a disguise for wanting to move on from the past?

Was she ready to forgive herself?

The more she thought about the accident, the more she realized she wasn't entirely to blame. Yes, she had told Asher to hurry up. But he was old enough to know what was responsible. He shouldn't have picked up the phone in the first place.

But he did, because he couldn't deny her. He couldn't ignore her phone call, just like she never could ignore his name when it lit up her screen.

He had adapted to his life with a prosthesis. He even became a cop, for some reason. Elena was curious for that reason, but mostly curious where he got the strength from. How could he lose his leg and still join the police force?

She should ask him, she realized. She should have a real conversation with him and know more about his life. If she saw how he was managing, maybe she would be able to look at him without hating herself.

Or maybe she would hate herself more.

Either way, she would have closure and a real reason for her decision. Maybe her heart and head would finally agree. And maybe she could get the happiness she felt before the accident.

Yes, they had made many mistakes and kept many secrets. Even when she opened the box in the attic she hadn't revealed them all to her siblings. But no one could tell a life story in just a few hours. Much of their love had grown with the small gestures, like holding hands and sharing looks. She didn't have to talk about every time her skin touched Asher's for her siblings to know she loved him.

When he touched her now, five years after she left him, warmth still spread. He would always be a part of her life, whether it's only her past or her future as well, that was the real question. Was she ready to know all about him and return to him? Or would his truth push her away?

"Elena," she heard him behind her. He sounded exhausted, and when she turned around, she saw his cheeks were red. "I've been looking for you everywhere. I even drove around the lake."

He stepped closer, and for once she didn't mind it. She knew the tears were at the brims of her eyes and he probably saw it, yet he didn't react.

"I thought you would be at your mother's grave," he said, pointing toward the grave behind her.

She looked at it and reread the words she read many times that day.

Benjamin Singleton

A son, a brother and an angel

"I was asking for forgiveness," she said, her voice breaking.

"He was never mad at you," Asher reassured her while taking a few more steps.

"But I was mad at myself. And I don't want that anymore. I want to forgive myself. Can you forgive me?"

He smiled a compassionate smile. "I will always forgive you, Elena. I never even blamed you."

"You did. You blamed me for the child, which is your right. I should have told you."

Asher decided not to answer it, which was probably the right choice. They would just say the other one was wrong and leave angry at each other.

"Kay is waiting for you," Asher said, now standing right in front of her.

"I think," Elena whispered with some doubt, "I think I'm staying."

As she looked up, she saw something glimmer in his eyes. Before he could become too happy, she motioned with her head to a nearby bench before walking to it and sitting down. He joined her and looked at her with a calm gaze.

"I don't belong in Saint Charles," she admitted. "I left because I couldn't live with my past, but maybe running wasn't the right choice. The memories will always be there, and I will always regret what I did. But maybe instead of running, I can make peace with it."

She looked up at him and saw the hope in his eyes.

"I'm not saying I want us to become a thing right away, because I still carry too much with me. But I do want to get to know you. And who knows what will happen."

Asher nodded and took her hands in his. "I will be here for you, Elena, I promise. And if time is what you need, then I will give it to you."

"Yes, time is what I need. But you need it too. You might tell me wrong, but you need time to accept my decision of getting the abortion. So that's what we'll do. We will talk as friends, and hang out as friends. And when we're both ready for it, we might try again. Okay?"

He bit his lip before nodding.

"Okay."