Your Creation • Zarry

71. So kiss him again

I tried not to be selfish but it never worked and every time I brought it up Zayn just had to go and remind me of the facts, that he was with Perrie before we ever got together, that I was aware of the terms and agreed to them when we started this, that I accepted the roles we had to play in order to protect what we had and I hated that he was always being the reasonable one in our situation because I always felt like the fool.

What he didn't tell me was that he had planned this explosive birthday party extravaganza complete with an entire theme park and carnival rides with all her friends and family members and he didn't tell me that the whole thing was going to be heavily publicized all over the fucking internet either with headlines claiming how in love they were.

I'll never forget how I felt when those pictures came out and I saw that specific one.

"You've got to be kidding me right now," I said out loud to myself, staring at my phone after our show in Portugal.

Yeah they were madly in love weren't they? Look at all the proof. I snorted under my breath. What a joke. I then decided in the heat of the moment to open up twitter and I started typing the first thing that came to mind, because I was feeling impulsive and careless, which were lyrics to a song called "Burn" by Ray Lamontagne.

Within a matter of a second Zayn hurried up to me out of nowhere and grabbed my bicep hard. Well, I guess he must have had my post notifications on.

"Delete it now," he demanded, so I did, because I already knew that I'd end up in trouble if I didn't and not just with Zayn.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he asked angrily.

"Did she get the shot she wanted? Was the lighting perfect?"

"Harry, stop."

"So how much did you spend on all that, a couple million? Lucky her. She gets to have a six page spread detailing her romantic birthday party with her even more romantic fiancé and there's a million pictures to prove that they are so in love."

"I was just trying to do something nice for her because she's been upset and stop acting like I wrote that fucking headline."

"Great, I hope she's happy. I hope you two had a fun time together at your fun fair."

"I spent one day with her. One. And I've spent the last four months with you and you're losing your shit over this? You really need to chill out."

"I told you that I don't ever want to see you with her, but you never listen."

"Maybe you should stay off the internet then Harry because sometimes you're going to see stuff that you don't like. I'm sorry that you're jealous but I'm spreading myself real thin trying to make you happy and trying to maintain a public relationship and image so I can please everyone who wants certain things from me because nobody has ever cared about what I want, but you don't give me any credit at all, you just blow up the second something doesn't go your way just like a child," Zayn let out, sounding incredibly annoyed.

And then he stormed off.

*

I stood in my dressing room getting ready for the show after having gotten through that sound check. I spent the last hour doing some serious meditation sessions, trying to get myself out of my own way and get my head back in the performing mindset. Camille was standing in the door way, just looking at me with this concerned expression on her face.

"Are you ever going to tell me why you're so upset today?" she inquired.

"It's just one of those days. I'll be alright," I responded.

I just didn't want to talk about it, especially not then, and even though Camille was so good to me, always being there whenever I needed her and giving me these beautiful, heart felt pieces of advice, I just wasn't in the mood to unload. She nodded and walked out, giving me some space and I just sat down in my chair with my head in my hands, counting my breaths to calm my nerves.

Why didn't Zayn tell me about this? All this time the last few months I had thought that we were doing so well. We had been face-timing and sending each other thoughtful messages constantly and it just seemed like we were really starting to build something serious back up from the ashes where we burned, that me and Zayn might actually be getting somewhere in our relationship after all these years, that we were making progress and I had hope. I just didn't understand what happened and why he didn't tell me. But I felt it, just like before, that sting all over again and I just wanted to write that tweet once more, just one more time and then leave it up.

Oh so kiss him again, just to prove to me that you can and I will stand here and burn in my skin. Yes I will stand here and burn in my skin.

But I didn't send it.