My Misadventures

34: I'm a Bad Kisser

Trigger warning: mentions of / struggle with eating disorder.

Song: Sorry by Halsey. Don't play until I tell you to. It's pretty late in the chapter, and this is an EXTRA long chapter.

After thanksgiving dinner, I could breathe. I could relax. I truly felt comfortable, and I was happy. For a moment, everything was perfect.

Then that moment ended. I should've known it was only a matter of time before my anxiety swooped in and messed everything up.

It started with a simple thought: am I a good kisser? I didn't have a lot of experience, and the more I thought about it... the more I realized how bad I am at kissing. I just stand there. I just hold still- mostly in shock. Oh my god my eyes were open.

Everything literally spiraled after that. What a shame.

Now I'm sitting in my bed, furiously writing down every good thing I can remember that has happened over the last few months. I write about Caleb mostly, desperately trying to remember that he loves me, and it's not all in my head.

Stupid brain. How could you just forget something so important?

The journal writing is a coping thing that my therapist suggested -back when I used to go to therapy. He said it would help me sort out my thoughts and work through my depression? But honestly I can't even form complete sentences with this stupid brain of mine.

Stupid. Dumb. Worthless dumb STUPID GAH!

I'm really trying not to lose my head but it's NOT WORKING. My hands are in my hair, my knees are against my chest, and I'm sobbing.

What if Caleb doesn't love me? No, no. He loves me. He ADORES me. Do I deserve that? What if I don't love him? Am I secretly uncomfortable with his affection? Am I just lying to myself?

Am I a bad kisser? Does he know that my eyes were open? How often are my eyes open? Did it happen once? Oh my god, I remember kissing Taylor and being able to see her closed eyes which means MY EYES WERE OPEN! OH- EW, WHY?!

Why does he kiss me? What even is kissing? Why did my mom always tell us it was such a sacred thing, and we believed that kissing was private and holy? Geez she has control issues.

I'm not joking, if Caleb has gone to my highschool and I had known how many romantic partners he'd had before, I would've labeled him a man whore, and never associated with him. That makes me sick. I was so judgmental. I still am. I hate myself for that.

I hate myself. I'm so needy that it I disgust myself sometimes. I'm constantly going to Caleb and practically begging for him hold me up and make me feel better. Disgusting.

Everything I've ever done- have I been lying to everyone? Have I been lying to myself? Who am I really? Who do I want to be? What am I?

Dumb. Stupid.

My mom and dad. Did they never love each other? Did they really only stay together to make the kids happy? My dad always slept in the closet, my mom was always yelling. I hate both of them. I don't deserve to hate them.

I don't deserve anything. What have I done for anyone, anyway? I'm a worthless art major. My entire life plan is to become famous? Be an actor? Be a painter? I can't paint to save my life.

Save my life. Save a life. I save people. I take down bad guys! I'm a superhero! But I always manage to mess it up. Tipping the balance of justice and whatever. Drifter is planning something big, and all I'm doing is having a mental breakdown.

I'm a horrible hero. Did fate choose the wrong guy? Was I the best candidate for the role? Do I deserve the title of hero? I still get nightmares about a traumatic experience I had eleven years ago that I hardly even remember at all. That's pathetic.