Lost and Found

38 | blake

I purse my lips as Jess speaks, knowing she's right. They do say that the heart wants what it wants. And I can't control how I feel.

If I only I knew what I was feeling about all of this.

Startling me out of my thoughts, Jess murmurs, "Can I ask you something?"

I shrug. "Sure."

"Please don't take this the wrong way, it's just . . ." Jess trails off, seemingly trying to be careful with her words. "I guess I've just been wondering what exactly you and Dylan have in common."

"Are you trying to ask what I see in him?" I question.

Expression sheepish, Jess mutters, "Well . . ."

I hesitate a moment before answering. "What's not to like about him? Dylan is smart. He's ambitious. Kind. He has big goals and can easily make friends. He's good to me. Not to mention, he's cute."

"Besides all of that," Jess says dismissively. "I mean, what's your relationship based on? I'm not trying to drag you two, I'm just genuinely curious. You're both so . . . different. Or maybe that's the wrong word choice. If anything, you're sort of the same. How does that work?"

I shrug and pick at a loose strand on my comforter. "I don't know. I don't mind being with Dylan. He has a calming presence. I feel like I'm hanging out with my best friend when I'm with him. With him, everything is . . . safe."

Jess studies me for a long moment. She shakes her head as she rises from my bed, turning her back to me as she starts to pick up a few clothes scattered around her side of the room, returning to what she'd been doing before we started this conversation.

"Safe," Jess repeats, the word sounding hollow, almost as if she is trying it on for size and realizing that it doesn't quite fit. "Interesting."

"Just say it," I groan, covering my face with my hands all over again.

"Nothing." Jess shrugs without facing me. She pauses after dumping a few shirts into her laundry bin, pursing her lips. "It's just . . . is that what you really want, Blake? A safe relationship? I don't know, but that's never been you. I'm not doubting your feelings for Dylan. What you do is your business." Jess finally turns to face me, and I notice that she has grabbed her keys. "I'm gonna go for a quick run, okay? I'll be back soon."

I nod in acknowledgement of her statement, lost in thought. I hardly notice as Jess exits our dorm. I don't break out of my trance until the sound of the door closing resonates in my mind, but even then I can't silence the thoughts running through my head.

My gaze wanders around the room once I'm alone before settling on the mirror hanging on the wall across from me. Studying myself, I begin to wonder when the girl in the glass reflecting back at me became such a stranger. I mindlessly raise a hand to my straightened hair, running my fingers through he unrecognizable strands that were once curls I'd been proud of. Dark circles have formed beneath my eyes, remnants from the day before when I'd foolishly gotten drunk, which led to a sleepless night. The brown eyes that stare back at me look dark and hollow, the shadow of the soul that used to inhabit them. My expression is somber, mirroring the emptiness and sadness I feel within.

I force myself to look away, as it hurts to see myself so lost and unrecognizable As my mind strays from my reflection, Jess's words come back to me.

I know that she's right. Honestly, I've known ever since I first started seeing Dylan that I didn't want to settle in a safe relationship. Don't get me wrong, Dylan is a great guy. He has never wronged me, and I always enjoy the time I spend with him. Yet, even I know that there's never been a spark between the two of us. With Dylan, it's like being with a friend. Comfortably, but not necessarily exciting.