Maikling update dahil may sakit ako ngayon ☹ I am so not feeling well and I am sorry for the update. Gloomy sya like my feelings.
Lukas
Araw-araw tuwing uuwi ako at nakikita ko si Traea, nasasaktan ako. Kahit kailan, ni minsan kahit isang beses, wala akong narinig na reklamo sa kanya. Twing gabi at inaakala nyang tulog na ako, lalabas sya sa balcony at doon sya iyak ng iyak.
Hindi ko alam kung paano ko pa susulusyunan ito. Nasasaktan ako dahil alam kong sobra kong nasasaktan si Traea. At wala naman akong magawa para maalis ang sakit na yun.
"Beia is now on her room."
I nodded at my co-doctor.
"Salamat Bien."
"Payo lang Luke, Traea needs to know this too."
I nodded again. Alam ko naman yun eh.
Bukod sa anak kong nasa bahay namin, si Beia na kanyang ina ay andito sa ospital. Hindi ko masabi kay Traea dahil mas masasaktan pa sya at hindi ko na kakayanin pang dagdagan ang sakit na nararamdaman na nya ngayon.
Mahal na mahal ko si Traea at hindi ko talaga alam ang dapat kong gawin. I wanted to call Mommy but I don't want to add people that will be disappointed of me.
I wanted so much to cry. I wanted so much to have time for me to think but I can't. The only thing I can give Traea now is her rights to cry every night. Well, I was hoping that she won't notice how I refill our wine rack. I hope all those glasses of wine she drinks alone at night comforts her. I hope she would just slap me and shout at me. I hope she gets mad at me so I know what she feels.
But can I demand anything from her? Can I ask her anything? Ang kapal ko naman to ask anything like that.
So for a month I tried to pretend sleeping while I hear all Traea's cries. For a month, I steel glances at her because I was so afraid of breaking her. For a month all I do is pray that she won't hurt anymore.
When she asked me that she needed to go home, ayaw ko naman talaga kasi feeling ko bibitaw na sya but how can I hold her like that? How could I still cling to her while she's in too much pain because of me. I wanted to beg for her to stay with me, with us, but I don't want her to be broken everyday.
Sa totoo lang galit ako kay Beia. Galit na galit dahil sa panahong masaya ako, dumating na naman sya at sinira nyang lahat. I am so happy with what I have tapos bigla syang bumalik at madaling madali nyang nasira ang lahat. All along I have a child at ni hindi ko man lang sya nakitang lumaki.
My head gets heavy every passing day. Sa sobrang bigat nya, pati puso ko mabigat na rin.
Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin nasasabi kay Mommy ang lahat. Hindi ko alam kung paano. Mommy loved Traea so much and anything that hurts Traea hurts Mommy. How can I tell them my problem when her worries are far bigger that the four of us combined. Mom's still having problems with Annika and worse, Dad's condition isn't that good.
Nung inihatid ko si Traea, nag-usap kami ni Nanay. I really appreciate Nanay for being so understanding. Sinabi ko sa kanya ang totoo, sa halip na ipagtabuyan, niyakap nya ako at pinaghapunan pa.
Mas naguiguilty ako at mas lalo ko lang naramdaman na hindi ko deserve si Traea.
I went home that night. Naiwan kami ni Luna sa bahay. I made her eat and made her sleep. Masaya naman akong makita ang anak ko, pero nasasaktan ako. Nasasaktan ako because she reminds me of how I do not deserve Traea.
I love my child. Mahal ko sya pero 'twing maaalala ko kung sino ang ina nya, hindi ko maiwasang magalit sa lahat ng nangyari.
Matapos ang lahat ng sama ng loob ko sa kanya ng maraming panahon, matapos lahat ng sakripisyo ko para sa pagmamahal nya, matapos ang lahat ng disappointments ng magulang ko sa akin dahil sa kanya, bigla na lamang syang bumalik. Ang masama, hindi ko sya kayang tiisin dahil may isang batang umaasa sa pag galing nya.
I sighed and poured myself a glass of wine and cry where Traea usually cries. At least I can do this for now.
