The Class Agreement

39

During Christmas, my Dad was going to give me money, but I told him to put it toward my college stuff. I wasn't interested in any gifts this year. I only wanted one thing, one person. He can't gift me that. Although, I wish he could. I'm sure he feels the same.

I concluded that I should probably be more careful with what I wish for anyway.

It's been troublesome trying to sleep lately.

I've been having dreams about the fight Kendall and I had. And in the dreams, it usually ends with the knife stuck in my gut. No matter what I do differently it all ends the same. And I've realized that's how I've been feeling for a long time.

It's like I've been stuck in a never-ending cycle. But if there was one good thing coming out of this break, it's that Athena's been having a great time. At least she makes it seem that way.

The slice on my palm healed nicely. I did a good job managing to hide it from my Dad. I didn't bother going to Athena's place a second time for her car. I was almost afraid that Kendall was there waiting for me for a rematch even though I did a number on him.

He couldn't beat me — ever. Not physically, at least.

I made the thoughts disappear. I was getting ready to head to Tommy's aunt's house. His family is hosting a nice New Year's Eve party and I was surprisingly invited.

Tommy informed me that his aunt is practically rich, with a beautiful brand new built one-story house and about two acres of land for the backyard alone.

Of course, I fought against being invited. Holidays don't really matter to me anymore and at the moment I felt there was nothing to celebrate. My father is currently working an all-nighter for the double-overtime money. I don't blame him.

I wore a white button-up long sleeve with black slacks and black dress shoes. I didn't know what to do with my hair, so I just left it alone. I sprayed my cologne on and checked myself out in the bathroom before leaving.

I got to Tommy's house. He looked great and totally different. He was wearing a nice tuxedo that was obviously tailored to his body. His hair was straight and slicked back with gel. I was thoroughly impressed with how well he cleaned up.

We all went to his aunt's house in his parent's SUV. When we got there I was in awe with the number of cars that were in the driveway and even on the lawn. Tommy wasn't fucking lying when he said this woman owned land.

Through the countless meet and greets, fake smiles, small talks, and the kids running around, I was already socially exhausted. Tommy even introduced me to his cousins that were around our age. As much as I tried to ignore it, I was getting weird looks and stares — from everyone that really noticed me, but I didn't care. Tonight I was mentally checked out again.

I was happy for Tommy. Happy that at least someone was enjoying the holidays this year. Happy he had a family and his two parents. He seemed happy too. And I desperately wanted to tell him how jealous I was. How badly I missed my family. I know Tommy only meant well tonight. He was aware that I spent Christmas doing maintenance to my car, covered in grease, dirt, and oil. He wanted me to be surrounded by love tonight. And tonight wasn't about me.

But the truth was, none of these people loved me. None of them knew me and probably won't ever know me. There is no previous connection or a connection at all. No memories. Nothing. So I felt like I didn't belong amidst the laughter and kind gestures. I felt out of place and lost.

While I forced myself to eat the expensive food that I was served, I watched everyone interact with each other. Tommy was enjoying his time with his cousins, all boys, and a few girls for that matter.