13th Doctor OneShots S2

Inner feelings!! T|W

"Maybe.. maybe I'm..I'm just not here?" She sniffs.

"What do you mean?" 13th asks.

J shifts away from River, she stands and takes a deep breath. "I just don't understand my existence. I just don't understand why I'm here? Everything has been heartbreak and pain, it's been suffering and" she sniffs choking on her own tears "and there is still so much more you both just don't know about and it hurts and hurts each day, my soul just doesn't feel here half the time, my hearts are always heavy and my mind is always battling with itself." She starts hyperventilating.

"I just feel that each day flies in, yet is so long. It rolls into the next day and it's like maybe I'm not really here? Maybe every memory, every experience good and bad in my life has just been placed within my head and I'm really just in some weird way stuck in some.... I don't know like I'm not really here that everything I know and feel is fake, it's not real and it's really just a big old dream that when I wake there will be no one around me, it'll be an empty void of my own soul floating through nothing trying to find the next way to live yet it's just not able too." She now begins to panic.

"Hey, hey" 13th slowly approaches J not wanting to upset her more.

"You are here because you are meant to be here. You are loved by me, by your mother, by the Fam and by many more. You are needed here with us, you are my daughter and I'd never change that in any sort of way. The universe brought you into this life through us for a reason. And we love you and we will never ever ever stop loving you."

They can see J is digging her nails into her neck as she has a panic attack. She shrinks down onto the floor and starts scratching at her neck. She begins rocking back and forth crying uncontrollably for admiring how she felt inside. She never wanted to do that. She never wanted them to see this side of her at all.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry" she says shakily.

River is the next one to speak. She kneels In Front of J.

"My baby girl. My sweet little girl. Listen to us when we say we love you. You are here because you are meant to be, you are not living in some dream. I'm sorry we haven't been there from the start, I'm sorry you didn't get to grow up with us. I regret that everyday. I regret not being able to teach my little girl how to walk, how to talk, how to read. Unfortunately I thought it was the safest place for you. But now I see it really wasn't. You will find love, if you saw your own wedding it really is a fixed point in time that cannot be changed. Someone will love you the way you deserve and you deserve the universe sweetie. You've been through so much that we don't even know about yet but as I've told you before you can tell us anything, we will not judge you. We will not think less of you. But in your own time, you've been there for many people throughout your life, that I do know. You're sweet and caring, loving and kind. You have the biggest hearts like your Father." She didn't stutter a word, but was interrupted.

"And sassy just like your Mother." 13th pipes in. This caused a hiccup and a chuckle from J.

The Doctor kneels down onto the floor as well.

"You deserve the universe like your Mother said. My sweet little time baby. You will always be loved by us no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT!!" You could hear the love and pain within these words.

The Doctor also felt regretful for not being there through J's life. From the start. She cherished the times she got to pop up through her life, River was the same she cherished these moments. They loved their daughter more than she'd ever know.

J sniffs lifting her head. Her eyes were now swollen and puffy, her neck was all scratched up and bleeding, her nose had been running from her tears, her head was pounding from crying.