clingy [zs]

(ch 22) think im from space, my soul fell down

zayn's pov

zayn's head was hammering inside of his skull and every sound was too loud.

but his brain was focused to find harry and apologize and not do anything stupid every again.

he was taking his pills just like his therapist had asked him to. he hadn't missed in two days and for zayn that was progress.

he felt much more controlled after his breakfast pills and he was sure he wasn't going to have any severe episodes today, or at least for a week.

he was going to keep taking his medicine for harry so he won't suffer anymore.

"so you're positive you haven't seen him?"

"what the fuck dude, do you think i keep a watch on him or something ? i haven't seen him since this morning." liam rolled his eyes.

"he's not taking my calls." zayn grumbled.

"maybe drop him if he's acting like a bitch, you don't need that." robert chimed in, chewing on his string cheese.

"shut up." zayn glared, "he has all the rights to be mad at me, I was a c unt."

"Harry's giving you a lot of self assessment huh." liam chuckled.

"can you both not be assholes for two seconds and help me find him?" zayn could feel his temper rise up.

"he told me my mom should've aborted me." robert deadpanned.

zayn bit back a smile, he loved when harry was sassy.

"he's right." liam laughed.

"fuck you, I hate that guy." robert rolled his eyes leaning back on his chair.

"have either of you seen tyler then? he's usually with nat and nat's with harry." zayn asked.

"tyler's hooking up with some other chick, he's over nat so no they haven't hung out in weeks i think." liam replied.

"huh." that was news.

zayn really didn't care.

so where was harry?! zayn had scanned their entire campus looking for the curly haired boy but to no avail.

he was getting restless, his lunch was untouched.

"ahh, speak of the devil." zayn's heart rate shot up when robert pointed behind him.

there he was, in his full glory, wearing the cutest pair of jean shorts with a lavander hoodie, harry styles in his full glory, entering the cafe.

zayn shot up from his seat but liam quickly grabbed his arm.

"calm down." his brown eyes looked into zayn's. "he's mad at you, don't over whelm him or he will run. don't force him into anything."

"i won't." zayn scoffed, shoving liam away. but he could already feel his body shake.

"stop zayn. snap out of if. you're not calm. deep breaths. you don't want to blow this." liam whispered.

"liam-"

"deep breaths."

zayn did as told, trying to calm his erratic breathing down. he knew liam was only helping him not overreact and do what he always does, overwhelm harry.

so he was greatful because he could feel his heart slow down and thinking clear up.

with a much more clear head, he walked over to where harry was seated and took a seat in front of his boyfriend.

"hi." he whispered shyly.

harry looked up from his lunch and looked back down.

"hey."

Harry's eyes looked sad and zayn was responsible for his sadness, it was pretty clear.

"i came by yesterday." zayn started.

"i know you did. i just needed space."

"i'm sorry for the way i behaved harry." zayn felt the sting behind his eye. "i'm an asshole. i'm such a piece of shit, you don't deserve that but i lo- i like you so much."

"stop saying that before it gets old." harry smiled forcefully. "i hated how you kicked me out of your small clique."

"you are my clique. i don't care about those people anyway." zayn responded immediately.

"it didn't seem like it when you were smoking with people who were insulting me right in front of your face." harry rolled his eyes.

zayn wanted to reach out and kiss but he fisted his hand instead.

"i know but i told them off later. when i got down from my high."

"really isn't helping your case."

"i won't ever do that again." zayn kept going.

"i like you zayn." harry whispered softly, "it's so weird, we haven't known each other for long but i like you in unhealthy amounts. all I could think about yesterday was you and that's it. i couldn't eat because of it, you're constantly on my mind, but i don't want to get hurt. i don't want you to push me away when you go through something because i don't mind, but i mind when you say the things you say or go and kiss gigi or hang out with her or say one thing and do the other."

zayn felt so much for this boy and harry wasn't even aware.

"i'm sorry!" zayn reached out of his hand, "i'm taking my medication and it's only starting to affect me, i won't be unstable or at least not as much, i promise I'll try my best to... not hurt you anymore."

harry looked up to him with watery green eyes, "are you sure you won't do this again?"

"i get out of my head sometimes but i've started my pills, they need a few days to kick in and get into a schedule but i promise." zayn begged.

"i just want both of us to be transparent and have no secrets. i like you a lot but i don't want an unfaithful relationship with no communication. if you feel sad or if you're on one of your moods let me be there for you. I'm not saying I'll help but i want you to know you're not alone." harry breathed out.

"i'll try my best harry believe me. i want you. i want to keep you." zayn felt the lump in his throat.

no one cared about zayn this way. so openly and so honestly.

his parents were never affectionate. his mom said they loved him, and zayn believed them because after all they did pay for a lot of things zayn owned, his dad was going to get him into duke, that was a lot.

but zayn wasn't used to affection. or trust or love of this kind.

so it was overwhelming and uncomfortable.

he didn't know how to express it all. zayn had no experience in romance.

"that's all i ask. I'm here and I'll stick with you till you have me but please don't break my heart I don't think I'm strong enough." harry sighed out, making zayn's chest ache.

he was hiding things from harry.

"i know you're here. please stay." zayn reached for his hands. "i won't break your heart."

he hated lying to harry but it was going to be okay.

once he got himself out of this shit hole he'd take harry out with him and they could re start their lives again with each other.

and if in the way of getting to his goal, he'd have to lie to harry then... so be it.

it was going to be okay and zayn was going make sure of it.

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an//

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