Knowing Me, Knowing You

Why Did It Have To Be Me?

I posted another chapter before this one, so be sure not to skip "The Name Of The Game."

Ryan walked down the hall, groaning internally when he saw three people standing next to his locker. One person he liked, one person he loved, and one person he hated. Seeing Trevor with his arm wrapped around Jessica's shoulders always upset him. How many times had he daydreamed about being the one to wrap his arm around her shoulders? Or to be the one holding her hand? Kissing her in the halls? Too many times to count. And whenever he saw Trevor being the one to do all those things to her, Ryan grew irritated.

But throughout it all, he knew he couldn't be upset. Jessica chose to be with Trevor, and he did treat her right. If anyone was going to date Jessica, he was glad it was him. That never stopped him from wishing it could have been himself, though. Not that he ever had a chance. Jessica only saw him like a friend, and he intended to be her best friend for the rest of her life.

At least he still had Xander. In just a few weeks, Ryan would be able to tell him that he moved on and was ready to go back to the way things were. And since Xander only wanted something casual with him, he knew he had someone who wanted him. Hopefully one day, Xander would want to be with Ryan in a more romantic way. If he couldn't be with Jessica, Xander was his second choice.

Based on how well they knew each other, it would make sense for them to date. They'd been friends for years and could have conversations ranging from deep and meaningful to playful and annoying. They were already comfortable with each other's bodies enough to the point that Ryan never felt insecure when he was around Xander. Most importantly, he knew that if he were to come out to Xander, he couldn't be disgusted by who he was. He'd accept it. That was what he looked for in a partner: acceptance.

But Ryan knew that the moment things went back to how they were, he'd feel ashamed and embarassed. He wanted to tell Xander, and despite knowing what would happen, that didn't eliminate the fear factor that he was wrong. That Xander would mock him and leave him and embarrass him. Until Ryan was certain that things would be okay after he came out, he couldn't tell Xander. He'd have to embrace the shame in the meantime.

Xander excused himself, and Trevor followed him as Ryan walked up to his locker. Jessica continued to lean against the lockers and lolled her head to face him. "I need to tell you something, and I don't know how you're going to react."

"Did something happen to one of the cheerleaders?"

"No. This is about...personal stuff."

Ryan paled. Holding his head up, he exhaled through a shaky breath, "Did someone find out-"

"No," she quickly assured. "God, no. You're okay. No one knows."

He exhaled, relieved. "Then what is it?"

"Trevor was telling me about the new girl Xander is pining after."

"Pining?"

She nodded.

"Okay? So what?"

"It's Carter Knowles."

That was surprising for them. "He's going to date Carter Knowles? Why would he date Carter Knowles?"

"I don't know. Trevor wasn't telling me that much, but he said he's been hanging out with her, and he plans to get really close to her."

"So?"

"Closer than usual. I don't think this could just be a two week thing."

"Jessica, no offense to Carter, but she's not Xander's type. There's nothing about Carter that screams sex appeal. She's so cold and off-putting that she's happy whenever people are scared of her. I don't think she wants to love anyone."