Ice Queen

Chapter 15 ~ "I'm already hurt"

Sasha

I just don't feel right. My practices are turning more and more awful and I just don't have the tolerance for it anymore. I need to be as perfect as possible this weekend and with dad breathing down my neck my stress is up ten-fold.

Every turn has to be perfect, every jump has to be graceful. I can't even focus on skating with emotion when he's screaming at me every five seconds.

He hasn't let me out of his sight all week, he's tracking me and everywhere that I'm going. He hasn't let me go anywhere other than practice, school or the ballet studio. He's extended all of my practices by an hour so I'm getting even less sleep and he's planning on pulling me from school if I make it to nationals.

If I lose school than I'm going to break. I need school it's the only thing that makes me feel normal. Even there I get made fun of and tormented and it's still better than spending time at home.

I tried to talk to mom the other day and all she talked about was skating. I wanted to talk with her about school but she deflected the conversation. Then I tried to talk to her about going out sometime this week just to unwind and she told me whatever dad said went.

Mom tries so hard to stay out of dad's way. She's becoming more and more negligent of the things going on in mine, Alex and Nik's life. She does everything in the effort of pleasing dad and it's getting exhausting. Half the time when you talk with her you just get a brick wall, no connection, no interest.

I was the only child left in the house that dad would speak to. Alex and Nik were only spoken to when dad needed something from them. I knew that it was better by far to hate my life as a figure skater than be ignored by my parents. Part of me always blamed myself for the way Nik and Alex were treated. I'm sure if we'd all quit our family would be very different.

When I get home after ballet I'm ready to pass out from stress alone. I needed to talk to someone but because of our new agreement Nate and I were only texting. It wasn't enough truth be told, I wanted him back here the way he was, running his fingers through my hair and holding me tight. Why did I even tell him to give me space? 

I needed his support but I'd feel so sick with myself after we'd kiss. Not just because I thought he was doing the same thing with his girlfriend but, no matter who he was dating, that was cruel. And who was I to do that in the first place? It made me question so many things about how I felt about myself and especially about Nate.

I decide to take a seat and look at my Nate scrapbook. He laughed when he saw it, saying it was well done. I had all the best pictures of the two of us, all the valentines and notes he'd given me. Looking at this made me feel alright, like I had him close by.

"Jeez Sash that's the third time this week, is everything alright?" Alex asks walking past my room and I immediately shut the book.

"I-um...yeah." I say quietly then toss it back onto my floor. 

"Uh-huh." He says and leans on my doorframe. "Have you been seeing him much?"

"No, not in a while." I say and he looks instantly angry.

"I can't believe him, ditching you-"

"No, I asked him to." I quickly defend and he furrows his eyebrows.

"I....thought you said he was good for you. That you liked being around him...did he try something?" He hisses and I shake my head.

"No." I answer and stand up off my floor. "I'm just really busy right now and there's a lot riding on this. I'm trying my best to win with the choreography I hate, a dad who'd rather be my coach and a limited amount of sleep."