Secrets Lie Within Us// 13 Reasons Why // Book 1 // Justin Foley Fanfic

Tape 3 : Pt. one

Justin's pov

I feel like I'm living a double life.  Like I'm trying to be someone for Sierra and then I'm out doing what I do best...fuck up my life.  I feel like there's no in between...at least there's not for me.  It makes me feel like shit.  Of course, I don't want this fucked up life for myself, but I can't help it.  It's just there and convenient for me to go to.  Alcohol and drugs are just what I turn to.  And, I wish it wasn't that first choice.  I wish Sierra was that first choice. I love her more than I love anything in this world, and I would die for her.  But..I don't go to her when I'm going through something or I need an outlet.  Instead, I run to what is ruining my relationship with her...among many other things.

I feel shitty for telling Sierra to her face that I would stop doing this.  But, I don't want to not have her in my life.  I do wanna change and I wanna be the best I can be for her, but I don't know how.  And I'm going to protect her from that.  I don't want her to see me like that, or have to go through all of that with me.  So, I have to separate my two worlds until I can get myself together. 

"Justin, you okay?" I heard and snapped out of my thought and looked up to Sierra.  I'm at her house right now and we're just in her room hanging out and doing some school work.  Well...she's doing school work.

"Yeah, just thinking" I said.

"What's on your mind?" She said.

"Just dumb stuff" I said and then laid down on my back on her floor.

"I'm sure anything you're thinking about isn't dumb" She said.

"I'm just thinking about my life...and everything that's going on right now" I said and she sighed and then came and sat on the floor next to me.

"Everything okay?" She said.

"Yeah...just you know, stuff" I said and she sat there quietly for a minute and then sighed.

"I wanna tell you something" She said and I sat up and looked to her.

"What is it?" I said and she just put her head down.

"I'm listening to the tapes again" She said and my heart sunk a little and I got extremely anxious and uncomfortable.

"W...what? Why, Sierra?" I said.

"I'm listening with Clay. He needs someone to listen with him. Also...I just felt like I needed to." She said and I looked away.

"But I just wanted to tell you because I know we're working on things and we should tell each other things like this. You know you can tell me anything, right?" She said.

"I know." I said and she looked to me.

"Are you upset? I know the tapes are a touchy subject...for everyone" She said.

"No, it's fine. Go ahead. If that's what you need, then okay" I said and she just gave a small sympathetic smile.

This seriously just ruined my whole mood.

•

You've heard of the butterfly effect, right? That if a butterfly flaps its wings at just the right time in just the right place...it can cause a hurricane thousands of miles away. It's chaos theory. But, see, chaos theory isn't exactly about chaos. It's about how a tiny change in a big system can affect everything.