Love, Chef. - A Chen Qing Ling/Modaozushi Fanfic

Chapter 9

Lan Xichen:

I open my eyes and A-yao sleeping peacefully in my arms, no matter how many times I saw it, I never got used to it. In the beginning of this relationship I was happy that he was here but now, it felt like I was pushing myself to just go along with it. He wasn't a bad guy, he was quite loving rather. He loved dogs and in the recent times his nephew, Jin Ling, even more. Jin Guangshan refused to let A-yao hold A-ling but thanks to Jin Zixuan, he wasn't deprived of that. He looked absolutely estatic to hold him in his arms for the first when a-ling was brought home from the hospital but no matter what, my heart was never with with A-yao and that seemed disrespectful to me given the fact that he has loved me for the past 5 years constantly and never asked for much in return.

With thoughts running erratic, I slowly pull my hands away which made him turn around and free my arm. I sat up, with my head in my palms, sighing as if all hell had broke loose. But this has been my daily routine for the past 10 years, waking up every day and contemplating whether it's all worth it or not.

"Mmmmm....Xi, you are up?" I heard A-yao saying.

I turned towards him and leaned closer "yeah, you can sleep more. It's still early." I said and kissed him on his forehead.

Each time my actions made me question, wasn't this being unfaithful? I cared about a-yao but I wasn't in love with him and being in the Jiang residence right now, even if it is because they are one of the big five families in the country and this was mandatory, didn't sit well with me.  I walked out of the room and decided to take a walk, it was still early so nobody was awake. The residence was eerily quite and I liked that, it gave me a lot of space to lay my thoughts out and sort them just as I do every morning.

I came back to my room after a brief walk and saw A-yao still sleeping.

"Hey, wake up. The memorial is in an hour." I said as I started prepare my suit for the day.

"Mmmm...five more minutes...." He said.

"No. You need to get up and get ready, it's your sister in law's house after all. You cannot afford to be seen as a irresponsible right hand to Zixuan."

As I said that, he slowly opened his eyes and crawled out of the bed.

"Fine. Promise me, we'll go home together tonight?" He said as he wrapped his arms around me.

"Yeah, once the rituals are over, we will go back to my apartment." I said as I tried to get out of his embrace.

"Okay, then I should go back to my room. My suit is there, see you later Xi." He said but did not leave before kissing me.

I wanted to wipe off that kiss so bad but I couldn't. My own mistakes had gotten me into this mess, I can't blame anyone else for my irresponsible behaviour after all.

Past:-

"Xichen-ge, please" the girl under me writhed in pleasure but for me this was just another day, another person and my way of forgetting him.

Seeing that my head was going exactly where I didn't want it to, I ravaged the woman under me. I was drunk, resentful and more importantly, hurt. I was wallowing in self-pity, I didn't even know this woman's name. Casual and random sex was my escape through this hell, I didn't even want to be a human anymore let alone a chef.

After we were done, I dialled a number.

"Hello?" The voice from the other side said.

"Can you pick me up?" I slurred.

"Again? Where are you?"

"I don't know.....some random hotel maybe..." I said and stared to laugh.

"Fine. Stay where you are, I am coming to get you." And he hung up.

I did as he said and after god knows how long, I was being shaken up by someone.

"Xi? Xichen?" I heard a-yao calling me.

"Hmmm....where am I?" As I opened my eyes.

"We are at my apartment. You hooked up this afternoon again with some random person after being drunk." A-yao said.

I sat up and hung my head down in my palms as it was killing me.

"What time is it?" I asked, my voice hoarse.

"It's 6 PM. You got shit faced in the afternoon, the reputed Lan Xichen was skipping classes. Your uncle was furious." He said pushing a medicine in my hand and a glass of juice.

"I don't fucking care anymore." I said as I gulped down the med and juice.

"Xi, what's going on with you? You're degrading day by day." A-yao asked.

"As if you don't know." I said, almost venomous.

"I don't. I am sorry but I don't understand why you're throwing your life away for some guy who was kicked out for selling drugs and doing other explicit stuff-" 

"Shut up!" I growled, I couldn't hear anymore "You have no idea what happened and why it happened, so keep your trap shut. And he wasn't just some guy, okay? If you don't understand my situation then don't try to, I am not going to contact you anymore from now on onwards." I said and started to walk towards the door until I felt a pair of arms hug me.

"Please Xichen, don't take this little relationship between me and you away from me. You won't let me in but atleast let me help you during such times." He said, his voice almost begging.

"A-yao, don't let me take advantage of you anymore. It makes me feel like the bad guy here."  I said.

"No, you couldn't take advantage of me if I didn't want you to. After that Jiang guy left, this is all I have left of you so please, please don't walk away from here."

I felt his tears on my back and not being able to take it anymore, I turned around and kissed him. I pushed him towards the wall and he wrapped his legs around my waist.

Breaking the kiss, I said "Don't regret what you just said."

"If it's you, I don't care about anything else."

Present:-

Years later I realised that I really was the scumbag in this relationship and me, wanting to repay him, led me into this mess. I let out a loud sigh, as the memorial service came to an end and sadly was soon as my trance broke I could see a-cheng standing by the flowers and pictures. He looked handsome in his white and black robes, he wore his hair back. He also wore his glasses which made his sharp eyes look even more beautiful.

I didn't know he wore glasses but then again, I don't know anything about the current Jiang Cheng.

I let out another sigh but this time, I was caught by a-yao.

"Xi? What happened? You're sighing a lot." He asked.

"Oh, it's nothing. Just tired." I said, trying to brush him off.

"Don't worry, we'll leave soon. Once we get home, we'll order some food and binge watch the recent show that we have been watching, okay?" He said.

"Okay" I said as I tried to fake a smile weakly.

How could I brush him off when he practically lives with me?!

I needed a drink and a smoke but this was a memorial service so I couldn't really get any of that. Ah, I hated this.

"You look pathetic." Said the ever so familiar voice.

"Says the man who looks like he is about to cry." I retorted back.

"Well, they are my parents after all you know."

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I am just not in the best shape."

"It's okay. Follow me if you still want that drink."

I was shocked at how on point he was about what I needed but then again, I showed him sides of me that only my brother knew. Before I even knew it, the heavy feeling was taken off of my chest and a calm sensation took over me.

I guess, he still had that effect on me.

I followed him with a smile on my face.