The Materialists | Book 1 + 2 ✔

19 | you weren't thinking

And today, she was actually raging. The only difference this time was that she was angry at me. And this time she had a right to be angry.

Laurene paced back and forth in front of me, her knuckles in a tight fist. Hanging my head, I couldn't even bear to meet her eyes. "You're an idiot, you know that right? Can't you do anything right?"

Yes. But instead of agreeing, or speaking in general, I let her continue to yell at me. What had I done, you might be wondering? I made the unfortunate decision to sleep with another girl. No, not the unfortunate decision, the fucking stupid decision. It was the dumbest thing I could've physically done, and thinking back I don't even know who the girl was or why I did it. I was drunk, that was for one. And I barely drink, so I don't know why I was doing it.

And the girl looked like Laura, I thought it was Laura. It's not like I could fucking tell when almost every girl at the party had brunette hair and my vision was fuzzier than a teddy bear. I just saw the girl, wearing a red dress and a pearl necklace, and all I thought was how badly I wanted Laura just then.

Actually, I do remember why I drank. Because Laura and I had another fight, which was once again my fault, and I was pissed and bitter and enraged at myself all at once. Once I saw the pearls and red dress I just, gave into her. 

I was such a pussy, such a wimp and Laurene was right. What could I do right? It seems like all I know how to do is ask her invasive questions and give solutions to her problems that would never work. I really didn't know how to help Laurene Strathen, but I liked to think I did. 

Laura stopped pacing, staring at me with that deadly glare she gave anything that was in a 3-mile radius of her. "Aren't you going to fucking say anything?" She snapped angrily, waiting for a response.

I wanted to cry, just break down and I wanted her to hold me because God forbid Laurene hugged someone. But I didn't, I just avoiding her eye contact and shook my head. "I'm sorry, Laurene. I don't know what else to say."

"Are you sorry you did it, or sorry you got caught?" She snarled.

Both. "I'm sorry I did it. I was drunk-."

"Stop using your bad decisions as a fucking excuse," Laura never looked away, her eyes pouring into mine. I didn't see an ounce of sadness, just pure anger. "I've never cheated on you. And it's no secret I haven't been drunk like, fucking hundreds of times, so don't try to use that excuse on me, Kennith."

"Then I don't know what you want me to say! I thought it was you-."

"You thought some slut that's slept with every guy in the school was me?" She said, her voice and temper rising. "Well, that's very fucking comforting. It's not like that makes this whole situation a thousand times worse."

Looking at her hands, which was still folded into a tight fist, I reached out and grabbed her hands. Another thing I always do because if I didn't she'd probably dig her nails so deep into her palms she'd draw blood. It's happened before and for some reason every time she gets mad I'm scared that's what she's going to do. Laura didn't pull away, but I knew she was still angry.

"I don't know what I was thinking, Laurene. I really don't," I tried to explain still looking at her hands that had indents in them. "I just saw the red dress and thought it was you. And I missed you, I hate when you're mad at me."

"That's the problem, you weren't thinking. You never do," After saying that, Laura had gone silent. 

Either because she was too mad to talk, which was alarming, or calming herself down. I just wanted her to love me, you know? I feel like everything I do for her I fuck up, and then fuck up again trying to fix it. How can you love someone that just hurts you? How could she love me if I just hurt her?

I just wanted to be enough for her, yet every time we were together it seemed like if I said one wrong thing it would be the final straw and she would leave me.

Laura pulled her hands away at last. I was hurt, but I expected it. She was still angry. "Maybe just don't do things to piss me off, and I won't be angry," The way she said it, her voice was even and calm but it felt like she just sliced my heart in half. "I'm already late for class."

"Laura I-," I tried again, reaching out to grab her hand again. I just wanted her to fucking love me, is that so much to ask for? Why can't I be enough for her?

Flinching away from my touch, Laura backed up before turning to leave. "Don't talk to me unless you're actually sorry or have an actual reason as to why you did that."

And then she left. Leaving me alone in the courtyard just standing there like a fucking fool. She was right, she always was. I wouldn't ever be enough for her at this rate when everything I've done she takes negatively.

The only thing she was wrong about, was me being sorry.

I was the sorriest I've ever been in my life, but maybe that still wasn't enough for her to see.

Maybe I still wasn't enough for her. And just thinking that might of quite literally shattered my heart. All the girls in the school and I chose to fall in love with the one that doesn't want me. That's just my luck.

Song Of The Chapter: mystery of love - Sufjan Stevens

Ouch, this hurt to write and the song didn't help ):

But you guys wanted something from Reece's POV so this is what I shall grant you 😌

And the next chapter will also be from Reece's POV except for present time, and then on chapter 21, I will pick up from where I left off with Laura and Isaia. Because if you have not noticed, I THOROUGHLY enjoy dragging things out longer than needed and making you guys wait 😘 LMAO SORRY

My juices were just flowing and originally this chapter was written in Laura's POV but I wanted to make the flashback in Reece's instead so I rewrote it kind of :')

qotd; thoughts on their relationship in the past? do you think if Laura and Reece were to try again with their relationship if it would be the same or less.. . ... toxic ig is the only word for it

Much love - Kujiis