Mirrors

Chapter Fifty Four

 

Three Weeks Later

"Good evening, everyone," Charlie said, walking into the room that Edie and Niall had grown accustomed to seeing every week.  "Hope everyone is doing well.  Is there anything anyone wants to start off with?"

Edie looked over at Niall before nervously saying, "I do."  Everyone turned to look at her which only made her more nervous.  "Umm, tomorrow is the, uh," she started to panic and reached for Niall's hand who took a hold of her immediately.

"It's okay, take your time," Charlie said.

"Um, tomorrow will be one year since I was raped," she looked down at her lap, but felt Niall's hand squeeze hers to remind her she wasn't alone.  "I, uh, I'm not quite sure what to think or say or do knowing that, you know?  A year seems so long and yet so incredibly short.  I feel like I've come so far and yet barely moved at all."  She started to nod her head a little, "But I do know I have moved; that I am moving....forward."

"You've come a very long way, Edie," Charlie said, "It really wasn't all that long ago that you were fighting being here.  And we are all immensely proud of the progress you have made."

Edie smiled a little, before letting go of Niall's hand so she could pull something out of her bag.  "I, uh, was cleaning out some things the other day and I found this," she started unfolding a piece of paper.  "I had come across this 'story', you might say, one day. It really struck me so I wrote it down and added some of my own thoughts to it and thought maybe I could share?"

"Of course," Charlie responded with a smile.

"This was about six weeks after it happened.  I had been in zombie mode and my brother was the only one left in my life; I had shut out so many people.  But I felt that they didn't understand.  I still feel that way because we all deal with trauma differently and I now know that no one will ever fully understand what I went through but I do know that I am not alone," she glanced over at Niall before continuing, "Okay, so this is what I wrote and this is how I felt and how I still feel, on any given day, but I think I want to hold on to it as a reminder of just how far I've come and how wrong I was..." she trailed off, her nerves starting to get the best of her.

"It's okay if you change your mind, Edie," Charlie said, softly.  "We all know that what is discussed in here is never easy."

Edie took the piece of paper she was holding into both hands, grasping it for dear life, she began, "She died, even though she survived." She took a pause already and glanced at Niall out of the corner of her eye, unsure how he was going to take this.   "She died, even though she survived. As he moved into her, deeper and deeper, with thundering force and speed, she screamed and cried in agony.  Her pain knew no bounds.  She begged him to stop, but nothing stopped that monster.  Her view became blurred because of tears; she left shifting from conscious to unconscious.  But the trust was stagnant; the string was not going away; it wasn't taking a halt.  Her body had given before her mind did.  She was the feed for his hunger that night. He didn't just damage her body, he slit her pure soul, pierced through her confidence, and instilled fear, pain, and grief.  For some, she was a victim.  For some, she was a survivor.  For others, she was an amputated soul who just lost her pride of being a woman.  The story, and the ache, both slowly fade and then vanish.  But...she died, even though she survived."

Edie quickly wiped away the tears that had formed in her eyes and were freely running down her face.  She could see Niall wiping his eyes but she didn't dare look at him.  He knew nothing of this and she was afraid he would take it the wrong way.

"In the year that has past, I've learned a lot about myself.  Some of it, not so good; I can cut people down with just my words or my actions or even just a look.  But, eventually," she quickly looked at Niall who was still trying to wipe away tears, "After a friend had finally had enough, I realized that even though I felt alone, I wasn't.  He taught me that if I don't learn to heal what hurt me, I will bleed on people who didn't cut me.  It took a long time to get to this spot and I know I've got a lot more ground to cover, but I know that I was wrong, I survived and I think I'm finally starting to feel alive, again." She paused and smiled. "I've learned that, although, no one will save me, I will have a hand to hold while I save myself.  And in a world that sometimes feels void of goodness, in a  world that sometimes feels too heavy to bear, I think that is all we are really searching for - someone by our side.  Someone who grounds us.  Someone who will quietly hold us for twenty minutes straight while we figure it all out.  I think that is all anyone really needs - someone who sees them.  Someone who stays."

Edie looked around at the faces of the people she had spent the last year with and she no longer saw strangers.  She saw people who had come to this place looking for answers, looking for salvation, looking for something to heal their pain.  It took her almost a year to figure that out, but she finally knew she was surrounded by strangers no more.