FEEL IT TWICE

chapter 9 - blackouts & broken locks

Shawn woke up and checked the time on his phone. It was hard to tell morning from night when the windows were covered in snow. It was only six am, and the room was getting chilly. He looked down at Camila, curled up on his chest. He had dreamed of this, but look where it had got him. He had been a mess before he came here, but in the past weeks he had worked hard at becoming strong again and the most important part of that had been accepting that he and Camila were over. He slid from beneath her so she wouldn't wake, and threw another piece of wood on the fire. He had been stupid last night, asking her to sleep with him. It was lucky that nothing had happened.

He had enjoyed the past few days and the resurgence of their friendship, but he had not been oblivious to the undercurrent that had been slowly growing. When he had come across the crazy guy, all he could think of was protecting Camila. He would have killed the man rather than let him get anywhere near her. He knew in that moment that he would literally die for her. The depth of his feelings for her terrified him. He couldn't give in to them, because if he did, he would be back to how he was that night at the O2, or worse. And he didn't even want to imagine what worse was. The lyrics to his own song were trapped in his head.

Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you'll feel better
Just take her home and you'll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?

He couldn't go back to that. To the drinking, the women, the meltdowns. And that's what would happen, because if they gave in again like they did a year ago in his apartment, it would end the same. It would end with her walking out the door, and he would be a mess. She was engaged, she was getting married in a couple of weeks. And once that was done he could actually move on. Maybe find himself a girl who didn't turn him inside out. One who made him feel calm and comfortable. 

 Wow, Shawn, that sounds appealing. 

 He poked the fire, watching the little sparks rise and disappear up the chimney, swallowed by the smoke. He tried not to think about what he had seen in the village. It wasn't his place to tell her. So you would just let her marry the douche when you know he's cheating on her? Good one Mendes. How are you going to live with that? He sighed. He was going around in circles again. The little voice was there, as it had been all week, telling him that he just had to show her the photo on his phone of her fiancé kissing someone else and her wedding would be off and he and her.....but that was the thing wasn't it? What were he and her? He stood, stretching out his knees and back. Why did he waste his time trying to guess, it just gave him a headache. He wasn't going to let anything happen, and that was final. Hopefully the thaw would come sooner than expected, because it was going to be a fucking nightmare trying to stay away from her.

When she woke up, the bed was empty, and she felt her stomach drop in disappointment. She had dreamed of him in the night, and she was sort of hoping she might be able to convince him to help her turn some of those dreams into reality. She sighed and stretched. I wonder how long this white out is going to go on? It could be over tomorrow for all they knew. She shouldn't wait before enacting her plan, whatever that was. She knew she could seduce him, but it wasn't just the sex that she wanted, she wanted all of him, she needed to convince him that they could make it this time. And while she was at it, she needed to convince herself. She could hear him downstairs, so she went back up to her room and showered and dressed. Before going down to the kitchen she stared out the thick paned window. Even this high, she could see nothing. The wind was up this morning, and the window edges rattled as it tried to break in, sending tiny fingers through crevices to whistle and moan. She at least had today and probably tomorrow by the sound of things.