METANOIA | TK

Chapter Fourteen

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The song fits well with the chapter I think

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"Do you feel lost?"

Jeongguk turns around at that, staring at Taehyung's profile as the other munches on a chocolate covered strawberry, both of them sitting cross legged on the terrace. The pavement is cold but neither of them want to go inside and Jeongguk thinks they both need to talk right now, to open up while they still have the chance.

They've stayed quiet for a while, offering the time they both needed, Taehyung maybe more, in order to calm down, to heal, but after almost an hour, maybe more, the other has gotten up smiling as he's asked Jeongguk if he still had more of those strawberries. They've been eating them since then and Jeongguk thinks Taehyung might get sick if he keeps doing so but he still doesn't stop him because the smile that appears on his face every time Jeongguk offers him another one is worth it.

He sighs, thinking about the question for a few more seconds even if he knows he doesn't have to, the answer being already there, already hanging in the thick air that's been around him for a while.

"Guess so. I have a good job, enough money, a roof over my head, friends, a supportive family but I'm still not as happy as I think I should be. It's like I'm missing something I can't get the hang of." He mumbles back, sipping the last drops of mango juice from his cup.

Taehyung leans on his hands then, his head thrown back as he stares at the sky, an image Jeongguk finds familiar, comforting, now.

"Jeongguk, having a house is different from having a home. Maybe you miss it, home, I mean."

Jeongguk doesn't know why their roles have changed so quickly, why he is the one that needs comfort now, but he embraces it, thinking this is the way it should be. Give comfort and get some back, find a balance or be the balance needed in life. In that moment, he feels like they've found balance together.

"I don't know if my parents' house could be called home for me. It's the place I lived in and it's been home until I moved out but I'm not entirely sure about it. How does home exactly feel?"

Taehyung turns towards him for a few seconds, Jeongguk sensing the movement before he actually notices it. He does so too, staring into the eyes of the beautiful human in front of him, like he can see beyond his appearance, beyond the glassy coat of his eyes.

"Home," Taehyung says confidently, with that tone he uses when he knows he's right "is where you feel warm. It's not a place, not a material one at least."

He stops, quirking his lips in a smile as he takes Jeongguk's hand and starts playing with his fingers, raising them until he's looking at the sky from between them, something he's been doing a lot with his own hand.

"Home is where you're at your best, Jeongguk. It's where you want to be for the rest of your life, it's the place that brings warmth, love, that sense of joy that could make you smile until your cheeks hurt. Home can be many things. It can be a book, a tree, an animal, a place, a person, even a memory or a place in the future. We don't know home until we truly feel it and I think that's the joy of life, of existing. You miss something for your whole life but", Taehyung breathes, letting his hand fall, their finger still intertwined, the rays of the sunshine making his skin glow even more and Jeongguk can't, just can't, stop staring. "when you do find it, the ache of missing it for so long magically disappears and I guess it should feel really nice. That's the joy of being born, finally arriving home."

Jeongguk notices the should, the fact that everything Taehyung is saying is just an assumption, meaning that he hasn't found his home yet, but he lets it pass by him because he doesn't want to overthink everything, not again, not ever.

When Taehyung turns towards him for one more time, Jeongguk turns around, a smile making its way on his face as he stares at the sky and lets the sunshine fall onto his skin. He closes his eyes, still smiling, then takes in everything around him. He imagines birds singing as their songs merge with the clash of the waves against the shore, the breeze of the ocean ruffling his hair, his feet and hands warmed up by the sand under him, and he thinks he can feel it.

He thinks he can, someday in the future, maybe soon, find home, just as he is now, under the sunlight, with the warmth of that golden hand on his.

His thoughts drift to that one painting he's bought weeks ago, the image of the red waves clashing against each other making him frown now because, if he thinks about it, he doesn't feel like he's gotten the message the paining portrayed at all.

"Taehyung, do you remember the painting we were watching when we first met?" His words die in the silence, Taehyung humming softly before turning towards him.

"Yes, why?"

"What did you feel when you looked at it?" He asks, wanting to hear the words that have pulled him from a place so dark echo in the silence again, just like they've done that night.

"I think it signified loss, the ache of missing something, maybe even loneliness. It was a storm but there wasn't a shore painted, or any rocks or fish, and the waves didn't clash against each other, they clashed in open air until they met the unknown shore. The red hues made me believe it was a warm painting at first but after thinking about it I don't think it was. I think it was rather sad."

Jeongguk nods, realizing that Taehyung is true, his frown deepening as he thinks about his words, about his unique understanding of the painting, of a strangers' painting.

"I thought I could relate to that painting when I bought it but now I can't help but feel like it reminds me of something else, of someone else."

He doesn't need to say it because Taehyung knows, he knows he's referring to him, the red waves reminding him that he, himself, wasn't a storm, but maybe, at a second glance, Taehyung might've been. Just not the kind of storm he's been used to see, not coming in waves of salt water like everyone is used to see, but in waves of emotions instead. If Jeongguk felt like monotony, like the calmness of the said waves, Taehyung felt like the energy that made the sea go wild, like the spontaneity that came with his amazing knowledge of everything around them and the mess of emotions he seemed to hide inside. He thinks it's incredibly true since, ever since meeting Taehyung, all Jeongguk's been doing is have his own feelings and emotions go wild on him, just like the calm waves after they met a strong enough source of energy.

"Yeah, I think it reminds me of someone I used to know as well."

"Someone you used to know?" He turns around, watching as Taehyung chuckles.

"Mhm, the title makes me think that person's changed now."

Jeongguk doesn't need to hear more, turning around and staring at the scorching sun, an image he believes, he knows, doesn't represent either of them. They aren't burning souls with adrenaline and spontaneous emotions, red, like the stars and sun everyone knew, but they still burn in their own ways, just as lethal and amazing, in blue hues.

He thinks about the title of the painting, "Saudade", the ache of missing something that is distant, and realizes he doesn't relate to that anymore.

Because the ache is gone and the blue hue coldness he's been feeling is not cold anymore, but rather warm. 

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And now you know how waves are formed, that is by a mass of energy that passes through the water

Hi, my name's Anne and I'm teaching you stuff apparently because you also know that blue-white stars are hotter than the sun because their temperature is higher

Please let me know what you think about the chapter, love youu