Remember Me?

11. Verità

I think about saying that, but choose the simplified version 'Ian got so angry at her and thats when things turned violent.'

That was Ian's baby, he wanted that baby. He didn't want Xav and I, we were just strangers. But that baby, it was his flesh and Mom failed. We'd all failed to him. 

The word violence is like a silent bomb, his eyes darting over my body as to see all the invisible bruises and beatings 'Did he ever hit you?' he asks as if he doesn't really want to know. 

'Sometimes' I say.

Sometimes, one word can hold a million unsaid ones. Sometimes he hit me and I had to bunk off school for a couple of days to let the wounds. Sometimes he didn't hit me, and choose instead to direct his anger at Xavier who had bruised ribs and broken noses on more than one occasions. Sometimes, he didn't hurt either one and directed it on Mom. The bruised face, broken noses and ribs. 

'Did he ever try to, you know.' 

Ah, I wondered when he would get onto this.

I feel a familiar sense of embarrassment wash over me, 'No but he tried too. Xavier never left me alone.'

I can feel a sharp of pain in my chest. Xavier. My protector, my best friend. 

And now he's going to hate me forever. 

'And Xavier, I'm guessing him protecting you made it worse. Am I right?' he cocks his head to one side as if he's trying to figure this whole thing out. 

'I don't want to talk about Xavier' I mumble. 

He taps the table in slight annoyance 'I understand, but did Xavier go through similar things as you?'

I slowly nod my head up and down. If I speak, I'm afraid of what will come out.

'Lets talk about Ian. Whatever happened to him?'

'I don't know. Him and Mom broke up so many times it was hard to keep count. I think they were broken up again when Mom died.'

'So he's still alive?'

Confusement is laced in my voice 'I mean, I don't know. He could be dead of an overdose for all I know.'

Why would I keep tabs on that guy?

A sigh of relief leaves his mouth, and leaning back on his chair he looks at me directly 'Ok, that'll be all Gabriela.'

I feel an instant sense of ease wash over me, I did it. I spoke, actual words came out of my mouth. I mean, I didn't tell him how I felt or anything but I spoke about went on.

For the first time in a long time, I felt kinda proud of myself. 

Yeah, that ease can't last forever right?

'You are grounded for a month, no electronics for a week.' he instructs me, back to his normal self. 

'Wait No!' I protest.

'He presses on, ignoring my protest 'You swore at a teacher, caused upset in class and got yourself suspended for half a day. Be thankful its not more. In addition, I am going to suggest something to you Gabriela, and I would like to listen carefully. I would like you to go to therapy, Xavier as well but I'll discuss that privately with him later.' 

'Therapy? I don't want other people to think I'm damaged.' I whisper, I've tried so hard to build this perfect image of me and now, they'll all look at me like a freak show. 

He reaches over the table, and grabs my hands making me look at him. 'Gabriela, you're anything but damaged. You have survived for so long, and now you need to start living. Your feelings have been left untreated for too long. You deserve to heal.'