empty | seoksoo

1

here he was again, locked up alone in his room, his blanket lightly draped over him, his head full of thoughts and regrets. thoughts of him never stopped crossing his mind. no matter how hard he tried, he ended back up at square one, crying to himself like a little baby over what had happened.

oh how he wished it was all merely a bad dream.

he wanted to wake up from his nightmare and find seokmin sleeping soundly beside him. he wanted to go to campus and meet all his friends. he wanted to hear seungkwan's gossips and joke around with jeonghan. he wanted things to go back to how they were so badly.

jisoo was used to moving schools and meeting new people. but never before had he met such a wonderful group of people. those twelve boys and the friendship he had with them was irreplaceable. he realized that now. jisoo regretted leaving them and following his parents' wishes.

but that was all that's left. regret.

jisoo bit his lip as he felt his eyes slowly fill up with tears. "it's been a year, but i still miss you. i miss you all day, everyday. i miss the silly faces you'd pull to cheer me up when i'm down. i miss the stupid late night conversations we'd have when we couldn't fall asleep. i miss the back hugs you'd give me when i cook for us. i miss the pranks you'd pull on me simply because you were bored. i miss your warmth. i miss your smile. i miss you. i miss you so fucking much, seokmin." jisoo whispered to himself, announcing his thoughts and feelings out loud.

he looked at the picture of them together that was saved as his lockscreen and cried some more, his heart clenching at the memories that came flooding back. "you have no idea what you're doing to me, minnie. you have no idea how pathetic i feel everytime i think of you, because i don't even know if i ever cross your mind."

"i know i was the one who asked you to move on, to find someone new, to let go of me and move on. and yet here i am, still stuck in the past, unable to move on from you. how fucking ironic." he sighed, closing his eyes and letting his back hit the white matress.

"i really do want to move on. to stop repeatedly hurting myself over the past. to let go of you, just like you did to me. but i can't. i don't know why, but i just can't bring myself to do so. maybe it's because you were the first person i've unconditionally loved. or maybe it's because you were the only person i've ever truly loved. i don't know why i can't move on, but i just can't."

jisoo sniffed and wiped his tears, light hiccups coming out every now and then. he looked at the view from where he was, and sighed. if only i could share the beauty i'm seeing with you.

if anyone happens to enter his bedroom and hear him talking to himself, he was sure to be called crazy. but that was only because they didn't know how he felt. how broken he truly was behind all the fake smiles he puts up.

jisoo heard his phone rang, but ignored it, knowing well that it was probably his mother calling. he had been ignoring the quite often recently, having remembered that they were the ones who had left him with no choice but to leave south korea. even after not having heard from their son in weeks, his parents didn't seem to care at all. nobody seems to care.

but jisoo also remembered well that he had been the one who broke up with the younger, leave without much explanations, and cut off all contacts with his friends. in other words, there was no one else to blame but him.

"i really do love you, seokmin. i still do." he whispered, wiping the last of his tears.