The Betas Alpha

Chapter 22

I feel as though life is passing by and I have no control.

A few times a week.

I feel helpless when it comes to who I am and what goes on in my life.

At least once a day.

I wish I was someone else, or at least not me.

Multiple times a day.

I wish I was not alive/ I do not think I deserve to live.

Multiple times a day.

These questions went on for about 20 or so focusing extensively on anxiety and depression-related topics. Next were questions relating to self-image and eating disorders rated on a scale of 1-5 based on how true I found them.

I limit what I eat because it makes me feel better about myself.

4

I binge what I eat because I feel like it gives me control/I do not know how to control it.

1

I make myself expel what I eat because I feel guilty after consuming calories.

5

After that questionnaire, I had to give written answers to questions about my childhood and any past relationships I felt harmed me more than they did well. This entire section made me realize how much my mom made me hate myself and how little my dad actually knew.

One or both of my parents physically abused/abuses me.

Yes, my mom did from the time I was about 11 until recently.

One or both of my parents sexually abused/abuses me.

No.

One or both of my parents emotionally degraded abused/abuses me.

Yes, my mom did from the time I was about 8 until recently.

If only one parent was abusive/is abusive, did the other parent know if they were present in your life?

No, she did it when he was away and made sure I wouldn't tell him or anyone what was happening.

These questions took me about 10 minutes to complete and then I was given a space to put any other information down that I felt necessary for the therapist to know; I left it blank. She already knew my entire life story from the questions.

When I submitted the last questionnaire, Jay took the iPad from me and brought it up to the desk and got my ID and card back. The two of us sat next to each other watching some daytime television with my leg bouncing from anxiety.

I'm proud of you, like so extremely proud. Issac chimed in all-of-a-sudden after being silent for the last few days. Before I had the chance to reply, a door was opening and a middle-aged woman with shoulder-length brown hair and round glasses was calling my name.

"Hi Carson, I'm Dr. Taylor, but please just call me Liz. It's nice to meet you," her voice was soft as she held the door open for me to follow her back into her office. Jay gave me a reassuring smile just before the door closed and the panic began to set in.

"Uh, hi, it's nice to m-meet you too," my voice was hushed as we walked into her office and she motioned for me to sit on the couch.

"I know this is your first session, so I just want to go over some stuff with you and get to know each other a bit more. Okay?" She has a comforting smile that caused her eyes to wrinkle up around the edges; it was motherly.