The Lake House

4- The hoodie

Christina's POV:

The comforter did wonders by fighting the coldness within the room, and the loud roar of the storm outside created the perfect atmosphere for me to just lay there and think.

Looking around the room, I began staring at the endless pictures stuck to the wall, my friends and family smiling at me from above.

Turning my head to the side, I noticed the orange hoodie on the chair that stood out because of its brightness.

"My God, I didn't know this was still here", I wondered out loud, stretching my arm so that I'd manage to grab it.

Taking the piece of clothing near my nose, I inhaled deeply while closing my eyes, letting the memories attack me from every direction.

"Hey Chris I- Why are you smelling a hoodie?", someone said from the door.

Too preoccupied with the memories that were invading me, I smiled warmly and answered with the truth.

"It used to belong to me ex boyfriend", I explained.

I couldn't help but get overwhelmed at the thought of the past, tears threatening to pour out, but never quite doing so.

"What's wrong?", he whispered calmly, approaching my desk and sitting on the chair.

"Nothing, it's just-", I began. "This hoodie used to remind me of him and make me feel safe", I smiled at the thought.

Shrugging my shoulders, I shook my head and let the fabric slipp form my fingers. "Now it's just another piece of clothing I guess".

Looking at me with an expression I couldn't quite place, he accommodated his head on his hands and continued staring at me.

"And it makes you miss him?", he asked.

Chuckling, I rested my head on the headrest and looked Matthew in the eye.

"No that's not it", I said quietly. "That relationship wasn't fair for neither of us. What I miss is the feeling of security having that hoodie ment", I concluded.

"I'd love to feel what I used to when I wore it each time. I miss feeling safe".

"Why wouldn't you feel safe anymore?", Matthew asked after that.

"It's not like I feel threatened or anything", I tried to explain while looking at the hoodie. "It's just that now I feel...".

I sighed.

"I don't know what I feel", I said in defeat.

A deep silence entangled us while we avoided eye contact, none quite sure of what to say.

"You said the relationship wasn't fair for any of you, why?", he asked truly interested.

"I don't know", I shrugged. "I guess I entered that relationship with the wrong intentions", I confessed. "And once I was in, I pushed too hard", I mentioned looking at him in the eye.

"What intentions did you have?", he asked confused.

"I just wanted to belong I guess", I said while trying to make some sense out of my behavior. "I didn't know who I was so I figured I might recognize myself as what I was to others. So instead of being Christina, I was someone's girlfriend".

"And did it work?".

"That was the problem. It didn't", I said while shaking my head. "I let myself get lost in a definition of me that wasn't enough. At some point being just someone's girlfriend didn't do the trick", I spoke with honesty.