Truth

Toxic

Chris stood staring at himself in the mirror; sometimes he could tolerate what he saw. Most times he couldn't, normally to cope with that he'd find one of his many vices; Marijuana, Cocaine, Molly ,Xstacy the list was long and winding.

But being a father forced him to look at himself and at least try to stop certain toxic behaviors . The fact that Karruche and Rihanna thrived without him was an uncomfortably true sign that he was full of toxicity.

People especially feminist women who saw him as a disgusting piece of work who deserved lose his entire career had no issues letting him know that.
The problem was they also never provided many solutions to the problems he already knew he had. No one knew that Chris Brown was a dumpster fire more than he did- which was the reason he'd disappear in a haze of drugs and sex in the first place.

He hated himself and struggled with bipolar disorder in the worse way. On his darkest days he really did desire suicide;

"What's the use in me being here if no one wants me to be" he'd say softly to himself as he consumed copius amounts of drugs. But for some reason he never did die.

Deep down he was terrified of death and most things a man who was working himself to the bone to just be liked and feel validated. This is where the vulnerability sprung from sometimes he contemplated letting people in ; letting them know just how much he hated himself.

But he knew that there was no sympathy that existed for a "woman beater" not until death anyway. Jai had given him a reason to truly change for the first time in his life at least as it regarded relationships with women. The one area in which he failed the most.

The interesting fact was that he was a solid friend and an excellent father. It was easier to show platonic love and unconditional fatherly love than to understand the complex creature which was a woman.

He wanted to but loving was so difficult when he didn't even like himself. As he gazed into his reflected eyes he wondered how he had managed to not spill that much toxicity on Jai.

Maybe it was the fact that he had matured, he had to admit 30 year old Chris and 25 year old Chris weren't the same. Fathering a little girl had done something to him changed his perspective.

Perhaps it was also the age difference and the fact that he could feel somewhat manly with Jai- not like a little boy or an insecure young man in her presence.

He wanted to love, he wanted to give healthy love to someone. And that meant that for the first time in a long time he had to look into himself and learn how to at least like himself enough to want to be better.

On the other side of the globe Jai lay in a hotel bed picking merrily away at her scalp. It was a nervous habit which sprung from her anxiety and depression part of a larger issue called dermatiliamania. She picked till it bleed, her thoughts racing as her insecurities caught up to her.

She wasn't in a healthy mental space at the moment. Somehow she had the desire to call Chris; which she did after calling on Jesus to help her through her season of emotional turmoil.

Chris was jolted out of suicidal thoughts by her call- he questioned whether he should answer. Not wanting her to hear him at his lowest but for some reason he did.

As he gazed at her tired eyes he could see that she too was in a bad place. If she were there in person and not on FaceTime maybe they would have had depression sex, sloppy and intense to escape from their mental hell. But she was in Lagos.

"I'm proud of you Chris- I know that staying sober is hard especially when you're not at your best"

He wondered how she could just sense these things- he'd told her nothing about his attempt to stay off drugs. And to his knowledge he didn't reveal anything about the crippling depression he was experiencing.

" How could you tell"

" Your face is plump and your eyes aren't glazed over; somehow I just knew that you were depressed too call it God. "

Jai had a way of cutting past the fluff that was refreshing. She wasn't scared to face the demons that lived within him; slowly he realized that her comfort with them probably came from her having plenty herself.

"You ever done drugs babyface?"

"Nah my vice is food "

"Food and picking"

"How did you know"

Her face had gone from numb to embarrassed and almost ashamed. To her mind her habit of picking was gross and she had gone to great lengths to hide it.

"I saw you one day when you were stressed; you were in front of the mirror picking and collecting the scabs. I wondered if you'd tried any crack- but then I realized that it was your way of coping. Everyone has their release baby don't beat yourself up about it"

" That's near impossible babe I beat up on myself for everything"

" I know"

  " How many things do you know Chris?"

"Let's just say I'm observant"

"Babe if you could see my toxic behaviors why didn't you call me out on them?"

" If you didn't notice Jai I'm not the prime example of having things together. I just couldn't bring myself to be at your throat knowing that I don't even like my damn self."

His tone was cold, only for the purposes of trying and failing to hide his deep discomfort and pain.

Jai realized that this was the first time since they had begun dating that they were being completely authentic. Flaws and all , she couldn't scare him away now. She could tell that their growth laid beyond this conversation.

" Chris I like you - as you are; warts and all".

" I'm a toxic piece of shit Jai"

" So am I- hell I don't like me either but we can both try to like ourselves a little better tomorrow".

" Jai you're a beautiful girl with a pure heart and soul; there's nothing toxic about you. Except me being in your life- I am toxic. I hurt people Jai Jai and I'm scared that I'm going to hurt you too."

The air was static, their two hearts racing on either side of the globe. Jai could sense that he didn't think he was good enough for her. It was understandable but also impeding him from being able to give and receive love.

"Chris every single person on Earth has the ability to hurt someone. Just because you lost control once or even twice doesn't mean that that man is who you'll be forever. My toxic might go down easier than yours but neither of us are perfect. We are all messed up in one way or the other. I love you and I believe that you deserve to be loved. "

Chris couldn't help but blush his emotions going all over the place; she had hit a nerve but in the right way. For the first time in forever he felt validated and worthy. But he knew that she still deserved better.

" Jai I'm a seasoned asshole, I want to love you. I do , I want to make you my wife someday Jai. But I can't love you now. Not until I can love myself and you can't love me until you can love yourself enough to leave me cause I might be harmful for you."

Her heart sunk at that moment; but instead of feeling heartbroken. She felt loved; deep down she knew he was right. Even deeper down she knew that he really did love her- because he loved her enough to set her free.

"Can we remain friends?"
She said through the flowing tears
.
"Yeah"
His reply was muffled, his crying audible.

Jai had shown him that he was capable of love and he was going to love her as she deserved.