The Void Between Hearts ~~ongoing~~

32. Ivan

The void between space. . .
Have you ever said the words,
"I just need my space."
How did it feel to have that space?
If you thrived in that space, you have a question to answer.
If you were stunted in that space, you also have a question to answer.
But I'm not going to ask the question.
~◇~◇~

"Boma. " I recognise the voice and my heart tips further. "My daughter, she was brought in here not too long. " I can hear the fear. I look up. She's crying, frightened, disheveled, all because of me. Her daughter is battling for her life, still because of me.

I've lost count of how many times I've whispered 'I'm sorry ', to the air.

How dare you! The pain in her voice..
Did you ever really love me? The frost in her eyes...
God will punish you! The fierceness in her hands as they banged against the feeble walls of my heart...
I broke hers.

She walks briskly towards me, a man holds her hand, "Ivan," she kneels. I see the fear in her eyes, imagine living with the knowledge that your daughter could die at anytime. My hands tremble, I clutch them tightly but they don't chill. I shuffle my feet and look away, hoping to still the waves rising behind my eyes. She pulls my face back. One look at her eyes and the waves crash. I feel my heart sink. I've never felt as small or as broken as I feel. Sinking ships or stumbling trees one of them would define me.

"I'm sorry ma, I'm so sorry." I mutter between waves.

She follows my eye movements, perhaps trying to read some meaning, "tell me she's okay, it wasn't that bad,"

I replay that moment in my head, in slow motion, I see how her eyes rolled back, how her phone slipped, how her dress flayed in the mournful breeze, how I raced, how she hit the ground, "s-she fell..." I clutch my fingers harder watching the blood drain from them, "I swear I don't know what happened, but I tried to catch her."

"I know she fell," she says, "before that, she called me and I can't understand why she was so upset."

"I don't know what Tosin said to her."

"Tosin? How was your cousin at the prom?"

"He wasn't, I took her h..home," I look up at her, she's silent, "my mom wanted her to have dinner with us to celebrate her graduation. "

Her hand falls into her face, "she didn't think it necessary to ask me first? And where were you? Why ..." she stops. A new rage rises in my heart. I left her because mother called me. If she had just come down like expected, I wouldn't have left Boma, I would have told her everything, Tosin wouldn't have been with her, she would be in her bed knowing that the rules had become nothing. She was right after all.

"That's okay baby," the man pulls her up. She cries into his chest as he strokes her hair. This must be Tee. "Boma's okay, she's fine." They sit beside me, I continue staring at the clock, shuffling my feet and whispering I'm sorry.

Time has been dragging like days do when lost in space. Boma's mother has cried herself to sleep on Tee's lap. I'm waiting for some news, any news.

The doors finally slide open as the surgeon walks up to me. The pale green of his scrub against his space-black skin coupled with his gait makes him look stubborn. He pulls his surgical mask down, hanging it below his chin, "Mr. Adebayo?" his talc covered hands reach out to touch my shoulder. It smells like latex and antiseptic. I'm trying to analyse his face when Boma's mother wakes.

"I'm the mom, she's my daughter." She springs up, "is she going to be okay?"

He let's out a deep breath, I feel he hasn't had enough sleep in days, "there's both goodnews and badnews." He says, "her heart and lung function is really bad, and as a result, the emotional stress was too much for her body to handle. We had to do a transfusion because her blood level was considerably low, understandably because of the sickle cell disease. The good news is that we were able to stabilise her, and she's alive, the bad news is that the fall fractured two vertebral bones in her lumbar spine." He turns around and points the area lowest in his back, I replay the fall in my head again. If only I caught her in time.
"We went into surgery to align the bones and that was successful but she will be unable to walk for at least six weeks and will require a wheelchair while the bones heal." He pauses as if waiting for a question. I want to ask if I can see her but who am I? At this point, even while unconscious, she'll still detest me.

"Can I see her?" Her mother asks.

"She's just out of surgery, her lungs are barely functioning and she's hooked to the ventilator. I believe it's best you wait till morning before you see her." He pauses again as if on cue. Nobody says anything

"If that's all, the nurses will show you to the ward and you can get settled. " he leaves. I just watch him disappear through the doors again as reality hits me. Boma's not going to like being in a wheelchair, and because of me? I don't think I even want to be around when she wakes up.

"We'll need some stuffs, clothes and toiletries and..."

Tee holds her, "Babe, that's why I'm here, just text me everything and I'll go get them right away." He kisses her forehead, "okay?" She nods and he leaves but not before giving me a look. I can't decipher the message in it.

"Ivan, you should go home, it's almost midnight. "

"I..."

"You don't have to stay, I insist. Go home to your mother I don't want her to think something happened to you. Okay?"

"Okay ma." I swallow, "you don't have to pay for anything, I covered all the expenses." I hand her my medical card. My father owned shares in this hospital and many others so we all have cards for free treatment. She smiles a short weak smile and I turn around.

"Ivan," she calls me, I turn, "come." She stands. I walk back and she hugs me. Being a lot taller than she is, I bend my face into her shoulder as she strokes the back of my neck. Boma did same a few hours ago while we kissed.

"Don't beat yourself up too hard. She'll come around. I'll call you when she wakes up." She says.

"Thank you ma." I smile one of those short frail smiles and walk out into the parking lot. I hadn't realised it had started raining.

Even better. I stand under the rain, allowing it to flush my tears away.

I ruined her prom, I lied to her, I broke her heart, I broke her back, she only told me the truth, she loved me.

I think I should die first.