Hey, before I start, this is going to be really serious and possibly upsetting or triggering to people. If you're sensitive to mental health problems, self harm (kinda, it's not too bad I don't think), or suicidal thoughts, I'd skip over this chapter.
So, if that didn't give any hints, my quarantine's been going real bad.
I'm very introverted, so the likelihood of me actively wanting to go out and see people is pretty small, but I have a pretty close knit friend group. A lot of us have been through some pretty sucky stuff, so we're all pretty open about our mental health. Everyone is constantly either I need someone to be here for me or I'm here for anyone who needs me. They're honestly what keeps me going most of the time. The problem is, I'm not able to see them right now and I'm not great at remembering to text people so when I do remember it'll have been several days and then I'll feel bad for not texting them and I'll put off texting them even more because I'll just feel like I'll need to justify not texting them for so long. Because I'm not talking to them my mental health has rapidly declined. Like, I was fine a few weeks ago and recently I was writing a suicide note and mapping my way to the nearest bridge I know of.
It's really scary going through this completely alone for the first time since seventh grade. The three years of support kinda caused me to forget a lot of the coping mechanisms I had when I was dealing with it myself.
I've never really felt like I could talk about this to my family. My parents both have very old fashioned views of mental health that come with them being older parents. I obviously don't blame that on them, but it makes it hard, knowing that if you tried to talk to them you'd probably just get told to do something you find joy in and drink some tea.
This has lead me to some very unhealthy coping stuff right now.
For one, my sleep schedule is absolutely bonkers. I'm writing this at 3:00 am. Late nights give me alone time and it's literally the only time my house is quiet. My family is not known for having soft voices. This also means that I'm regularly waking up at 1 or 2 in the afternoon which leads to my family making fun of me which leads to me feeling even worse about myself.
They don't make as much fun of me if I just don't leave my room, so I've also stopped eating meals outside of dinner for the most part. On days where my family chooses to not eat dinner together, I'm probably not eating until midnight.
Outside of my sleeping and eating habits, I'm also more physically hurting myself. I don't really have access to much more than buttons and safety pins, so it's not much more than scratches with occasional blood, but there's a certain amount of relief I've found in that.
I also tend to scratch myself with my nails under stressful situations. The only way I can really describe it is to imagine you have thousands of ants crawling under your skin. You need to get them out because it itches to have them under there, but there's no way to get them out without causing visible wounds.
That's how it constantly is for me right now. I've tried so hard to not because my parents get so disappointed but I physically can't deal with it so I've jut started doing it in places they won't see. My hips and thighs are probably the worst. It also doesn't help that I'm allergic to almost every adhesive used for skin, and the only one I'm not allergic to is used in very expensive products, so in situations like this, I'm often left deciding between letting a scab rub against the fabric of whatever I'm wearing, risking opening it, using a product that can cost between 1-3 dollars for individual things depending on how many you buy at once, or using a band aid or something and dealing with hives once the initial wound has healed, often causing extra scarring.
I've also found myself scratching at my scalp, causing scabs and stuff under my hair that I can't treat and it hurts to wash. This means I'm putting off hair washing causing my hair to be oily and my scalp red and probably bleeding.
I'm not reading anymore, which sucks because reading is one of the things that's gotten me through some awful stuff, but I can't look at a page of words without getting completely overwhelmed and probably crying right now.
I barely have the patience to listen to a full cast recording of watch a movie or tv show. The only way I can do any of these is by doing a few things at once. I often find myself playing games or painting while I watch it listen to something because I can't focus on anything right now.
I can barely even bake, which is one of the other things I usually go to. I can't find a point in making food when I don't have friends to share it with. Busy cafeterias are always better with ginger snaps or macarons, but there's not a busy cafeteria to make better.
I've started about four different art projects, and have finished none of them. I just keep losing any motivation. The only thing keeping me going are my walks on the trail by my house when there aren't any raccoons. There's a bridge with great acoustics and since I got over a bad case of bronchitis a month and a half ago, I'm singing again. There's also this adorable little bridge I did a photo shoot on when I was still dancing. The river there usually helps calm me down a bit and it's an easy way to get out while still avoiding people since everyone on that path are usually biking or jogging and I like to wander my way down the path.
Basically every kinda healthy thing I can do right now has to be immediate satisfaction or I just literally can't.
I'm also not keeping up on schoolwork since where I live we legally can't have online schooling and everything is closed down for the rest of the school year. I've been doing my French work via duolingo but not really anything else. I've gotten into fashion history and am learning how to sew, but I'm only able to sew when my mom is available to help which, even when we are almost constantly stuck at home together, she never is.
Also, this is kinda a side not but also making everything worse. One of my friends is a senior and I'm probably not seeing her for a very long time, and the same goes for another friend that's moving away over the summer. The friend that's moving I'm also really worried about because her dad's been out for work and was supposed to come back after birders and stuff were closed. She hasn't seen him in person in literal months. I know what that's like and it's really awful. When my dad was in Afghanistan for a year, I was horrible. I can't imagine what it's like to both be going through that but also know that the moment he gets back you have to pack up and leave the people you only just got close to.
I just feel like a complete disappointment right now and I'm turning into a wreck. I'm practically surviving off tea and graham crackers right now, I'm not talking to anyone, I'm not doing anything I enjoy, and I can't even get the motivation to do things I know will help me feel better.
At this point, I'm holding on for my summer camp. It's one of the best things that's happened to me during these past few years and I'm terrified of what I'll do to myself if that gets cancelled too.
I'm sorry, but I really can't end this on a positive note. All I can do for anyone is say that we're all dealing with this right now and if you're going through anything particularly bad, I'm rooting for you.
Everyone out there, I hope that the gods (or god if you're monotheistic, or any sort of higher power that might exist if you're atheist) are on our side.
This is something that the whole world is simultaneously having to get through together and yet almost completely alone. So please, keep as many people as you can in your thoughts and/or prayers right now and try to stay healthy.
Lots of love,
-Adelaide
