The Bar and the Butterfly [BWWM]

Chapter 4

"Make sure to flaunt those curves and accentuate your most attractive attribute, whether that be your eyes, your shoulders, and collarbones, your lips, your legs, or even your ass!" I jerked my head from the full-length mirror to the phone screen that laid against the dresser. Accentuate my ass? I turned back to the mirror and did a slow pan of myself, dropping my head to look at the pert bottom.

"This makes men want to chase you. This makes a man want more. Those areas you accentuated are the areas his eyes are going to follow." I could hear her smirk through the phone. I reached behind me and pulled the dark jeans up, making my booty look more pert. I definitely have to figure out how to look attractive to men again.

I turned back around to gaze at myself through the mirror. Accentuate your most attractive attribute. It wasn't like I had hips for days to accentuate, but I could try. An oversized high-low over-the-shoulder white sweater that stopped at just below my belly button paired with slimming boyfriend jeans that covered my belly button. I pulled the sweater lower down my shoulders to accentuate the small necklace that sat nicely around my neck. Areas you accentuate are areas his eyes will follow.

I don't even know why I'm doing this. Maybe I wanted to feel pretty for the first time in a while. Maybe I was expecting the dinner box to arrive soon and I was hoping a certain paperboy would be delivering it. Though there was a 60 percent chance a completely different person would deliver it, I was hopeful. If there was any slight chance I would see him again, I wanted to at least look and feel nice. This was for myself, I tried to convince myself.

I touched my shoulder, pushing a curl over my shoulder. I had finally unraveled the braids of two nights ago, leaving a poofed collection of curls with a middle parting. If he liked my braids, wait till he sees this!

I walked over to the phone still playing a new video on how to be more attractive for men. I believe this is why women, even those that aren't incredibly attractive, make men take notice of them. For once, I wanted to feel this feeling too. I was genuinely getting a thrill from doing this. Knowing that it wasn't good and that mama would have a heart attack if she found out, the thrill of doing something I wasn't supposed to do kept my mind at bay and let my heart do the work for once. This time, this video was talking about how to put on your makeup to create a natural look. Natural look?

Why not just not wear any makeup? I cocked my head. It wasn't like I owned any makeup. I thought back to the time I was 18 when I had snuck on one of mama's lipsticks and perfume because R was at the apartment to borrow some working tools. I remember making my hair very pretty and sneaking slightly down the stairs, hiding behind the railing to see him. When he finally noticed me, I had given him a smile and ran off, too embarrassed. I shivered, retracting from the memory. I was so stupid. I was just happy mama never noticed all of those times I had snuck down, but that was beside the point.

Did I need makeup? My eyes were big and spread apart, but my lashes were long. My lips were big, but I think everyone is trying to get big lips nowadays. I finally recoiled my eyes from the mirror. I saw it, the bitter reminder of why I do what I do to myself. A large jagged scar that began at the back of my neck that stretched to the midsection of my back, more scars developing in the midsection to my lower back. I was just happy my hair was thick enough to cover it, but having seen it so suddenly, when I was feeling so pretty in my own skin was a grim reminder of the atrocities of the past. The sound of the beeping oven quickly pulled me out of my trance.

I soon made my way out into the kitchen to start prepping the baking pan with a cookie sheet. I had watched earlier that the way to a man's heart was through feeding him sweet things like doughnuts and cookies. I was thankful one of my food boxes earlier this week contained cookie dough for chocolate chip cookies and was thanking myself for not placing it outside for anyone's taking. The cookie dough was already prepped in a bowl so all I had to do was roll them up and place them on the sheets. I glanced up at the clock. 5:05 PM, it read. This should take about 12 minutes and by the time he gets here, they should still be nice and warm for him. I let out a sigh of relief and smiled to myself, glancing around the apartment.