Living with Boys

20 something

So you're married.
Now I finally understand everything Adele sang about in her song "Someone like You". I dont know how to quite feel about it. Out of everyone, I never thought I'd lose you. I dont know what to say and it hurts because for the past few weeks it's all I have been thinking about. Out of everyone I thought, you. You were going to be the one I end up with. It was four months. Four months I stayed away from you and you end up married. Is it me? Do I ruin lives? Do I prevent happiness? Or is this just all in my head. I want to say it's you because that's all I have been doing throughout this... blaming the guy but maybe it's me. It happens so frequently... that maybe just maybe it isn't their fault. I mean I lost ALL my friends. No. Stop. I can go down that dark road again. Depression has been one hell of an ally ever since I received the news. Sometimes I wish I would get COVID-19 and I would just go away. Yet, I dont deserve that ease. I wonder if you're happy. Were you drunk when that happened? Was there even a proposal? Did you plan this? It really seems so sudden. Stop it! Of course you're happy, you're with someone who isnt me. Yet, you havent been posting anything and all you did was say you're married on facebook it's not like you posted a marriage certificate. (Oh God, I need to stop) Maybe there is a sliver of hope that you arent somebody else's. Maybe for once, my mind is right. Maybe I still have time. Maybe, I'm not too late this time. Maybe I'm ready to love you the way you deserve to be. Maybe I'm tired of everyone telling me that I shouldn't be with you. Maybe they think so but I know we are meant to be together... maybe I'm a little drunk right now and maybe I just want to be with you. Maybe I'm alittle out of my mind and not thinking straight. I might be... or maybe I am truly in love with you and you are with me and you couldnt stand the four months of isolation so you married the first thing that threw itself at you. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid as usual. But my paranoia is usually right so it is kind of scary . (Kind of..?) IT IS TERRIFYING AND MY HEART CLENCHES AND ACHES IN PAIN BECAUSE OF THIS. I CRY ENDLESS NIGHTS AND I AM UNABLE TO SLEEP. I WANT TO RUN AWAY BUT WHERE WOULD I GO. NO ONE CARES WHAT HAPPENS TO ME. THE LAST PERSON THAT ACTUALLY CARED WAS YOU. BUT... NOW YOURE SOMEBODY ELSES. SO I COULD REALLY JUST STAND AT THE EDGE OF THIS BALCONY AND LOSE MY GRIP AND WOULD BE DOING EVERYONE A FAVOR BECAUSE I AM THE WORLDS BIGGEST FUCKING BURDEN WHO IS SO GODDAMN UNWORTHY OF EXPERIENCING TRUE LOVE OR HAPPINESS BECAUSE SOMEONE LIKE MY SIMPLY DOES NOT DESERVE IT . MAYBE IF I WERE TO JUST LET GO OF THIS RAIL, EVERYTHING WOULD BE BETTER. I WOULDNT HAVE TO WAKE UP WITH THE SICKENING FEELING OF YOU BEING MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO ISNT ME. MAYBE JUST MAYBE JUST FUCKING MAYBE FOR ONCE GODDAMN IT . IT SHOULD BE ME. TO HAVE IT ALL... OR TO END IT ALL....