Life Behind the Curtains: $old. (Shawn Mendes Fanfic)

Chapter 17

Baby Moana is my reaction to my little note at the end of this chapter 😏

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Shawn P.O.V.

I don't know why I did that. I just can't stand her being angry at me. It shouldn't bother me but it does. And living under one roof doesn't make it any easier.

Thinking about the reason all of this happened makes me curl my hands into fists: Father. He's always the reason.

He is the only one that can stir these horrid emotions inside of me that make me do terrible things. It's his fault. But I'm partly to blame.

I just let him control me because he has more power. I can't control my own strength against anger.

Why? Why? Why!

I feel like screaming out a window right now. I bite my lip, feeling tempted to grab a cigarette from the table.

But no. I could easily get addicted, then my life would be more shitty than it is now.

I suddenly remembered the text I got earlier from Andrew, asking if the new album was complete. 

No. It's nowhere near done. With this whole mess, I couldn't even get time to think, let alone write 14 more songs. I've only written four. And I feel like they are too shitty to be published.

Remind me why I wanted to become a singer again?

Oh, that's right. I didn't.

I cursed aloud as I stubbed my toe against the nightstand. I slid between the sheets of the bed as I tried restlessly to get some sleep.

Too many things were spinning in my head. Writing music. The next photoshoot. My father. Smoking. Alcohol. Tour. Amber. A baby. 

I know Amber is sleeping already. In a way, I'm jealous of her. She has everything other people strive to have, and she isn't ungrateful or bragging about it. She doesn't let rumors and opinions define her like I do.

But she wears her heart on her sleeve. She may act all tough and she may talk back to me, but she is vulnerable. 

And me, being the rude, reckless, human that I am, go out of my way to hurt her. 

Why?

I don't know. I never know the answers to the most important questions.

Shaking my head, I get out of bed because there is no point just laying there wide awake.  Feeling curious, I tiptoed out of my bedroom and checked on Amber.

The door creaked open and in the dim light, I saw a figure sitting on the edge of the bed. She's awake?

I blinked at her. She blinked at me. I stepped inside the room and closed the door behind me.

She pressed her palm against her forehead, signalling distress, "Shawn, I really can't deal with our problems right now, please."

I shake my head, sitting down next to her, "why do you always assume the worst of me?"

I already know the answer to that question.

"Because you always show your worst," she states, her eyes flickering towards me briefly before she turns her attention to the wood flooring.

I know I do. I'm sorry.

I could never say that aloud to her. She would probably laugh at me.

"How's your hand?" I ask her instead, and she puts it out so I can inspect it. My hands wrapped around the bandage as I felt her soft hand. I unwrapped the medical wrap and noticed that it was getting better.

"Looks good," I commented and she looked up at me. "Why are you here Shawn," she asks tiredly.

Why do I feel offended by that? I decided to stop overthinking it. Just say what's really on your mind Shawn. Don't be a pussy.

"I'm sorry about what happened, it was entirely my fault. I just can't sleep because I keep thinking about it," I admit, my hands touching my cheeks feeling overwhelmed.

I watch her reaction. Her eyes go slightly wide and her lips part, while she blinks rapidly in disbelief.

"Oh. Uh, it's okay. Can I trust that it'll never happen again?" She asks, pulling her bottom lip in between her teeth.

I had to stop myself from staring.

I simply nod at her. This tension in the air was driving me insane.

"Why are you up?" I asked to break the unbearing silence.

"I don't know. I've just been thinking. About everything. Are we ready for a new step? I mean, a baby? We barely know each other." She looked at me, waiting for an answer.

"We don't have a choice," I say, not revealing my true feelings about this.

"How-how are we going to do it?" She asks hesitantly, a small blush creeping onto her cheeks.

Good question.

"I-I don't know, " I pondered aloud, "just the regular way I guess." 

"Okay, just promise it won't get awkward after that?" She asked me, taking the words right out of my mouth.

"Yeah of course, remember the rule about not catching feelings?" I say playfully, and she smiled at me.

I don't know how I feel about that rule anymore. Everything is just a huge...mess. 

"So when.." her sentence trailed, but I understood what she was trying to say. "Um, is tomorrow night okay?" 

I gulped, feeling nervous. I'm never really nervous to have sex with a girl. What is wrong with me?

"Y-yeah, okay," she replied, sighing. That's my cue to leave.

"Okay then, I won't bother you anymore," I say, standing up. "Wait," she interrupted, standing as well, "Want to stay here the night?" She bit her lip nervously.

I debate it but then shake my head. I have too many things to worry about right now, and she distracts me.

"No thanks," I reply. She remains emotionless as she nods.

The next day passed by slow, as if waiting for the night to come.

The thought made my stomach churn out of nervousness, and pretty soon it was already 6 pm.

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You know what that means peeps!! Next chapter boutta be some smut 🙈

Stay tuned!!