Loco-Oscar Diaz

Epi.6

Ruby, Monse, Jamal and I hide behind bushes. This is it we're dead. Whistles fly in the air like bullets and the little boy that was loving was firing shots in the air and cursing. The gang was breaking down and my stress is through the roof. Oscars dead and I'm not able to even look at the unburied dirt piles, where not even five feet is Oscars dead body. And now I'm gonna have to worry about my mom, Cesar, being stable to withstand a job mentally and have a baby on my own. I don't know what God is leading me to, but I pray it's worth it. Cesar stumbles by the grave and I get up. Ruby and Jamal tries to hold me down, but my body has a mind of it's own and my brain is not thinking .

I run up to Cesar and stop when I see mom in the hole. Her skin is covered in dried blood, dirt and gasoline with flies. Her clothes are dirty and shredded. Her lips are pale, cracked and blue. The smell flows to my nostrils and I turn away. I almost run into a 19th street member which scares me. I do a three-sixty to see them all circle around us. One of them flicks a lighter and tosses it in the hole with my mom. Relief yet guilt overflows. For a minute it's just the cracks of the fire and the smell of burning flesh. 

We all unconsciously decided to leave, but I don't feel justified. I was in the state of mind to murder. That wasn't me and shouldn't have been me. Blood that couldn't wash out of my hands even if I tried, shit when I blink, I see her face. Plus is Spooky even dead? I mean 19th street didn't say anything about Oscar. What if he's home waiting for Cesar and smoking a joint in the backyard. I shouldn't get my hopes up. I unlock the rental car door for the gang to get in. I don't know what to be scared of now; Myself which was about to commit murder with no hesitation or coming back to Freeridge with only Abuela to help me. Daniella is at Brentwood living her best life, while I'm loading in a car with a bunch of (soon to be) tenth graders.

I start the car up and drive to get them food, since Ruby and Jamal had a fight over fruit by the foot.  The car is dead silent and I turn on music. After we get them food I drop them all off at Monse's house. The drive back is a fast drive to Oscars home. I don't feel comfortable at Abuelas or my own apartment. Home was here and Oscar was my home. I dropped everything for this man, I lived for this man. I get out of the car and sit on the couch in the middle of the lawn and sob into my hands.

Please God please bring my baby back. I need him and I wanna spend everyday with this man. I wanna see him hold the baby for the first time. I wanna see his smile when I walk down to marry him. I wanna see him cook with him humming to songs to our kid. I wanna hold onto him till the sunsets at the beach. I stand up and wipe my tears. I use the spare key and go straight to his room. I lay in his bed. His smell lingers in my nose and I feel closer to him. I regret not being able to make everyday count with him. I regret not saying I love him everyday. I wish God would open the gates to let him back to me.

Then I hear the backdoor open. It must be Cesar. I sigh and stare of out the window. California fog somehow allowed me to see the stars tonight. They twinkle and shine so bright. Tears seep out of my eyes and my heart aches with pain, but the stars are distracting me from it.

"Rosalía." I hear Oscar call me.

Now I know I'm going crazy. I ignore it and keep my focus on the view. Maybe I'm talking to a angel.

"Rosalía."

I get on my knee on the bed and clasp my hands together. I have to pray to him at least a apology.

"Oscar I'm so sorry I wish I didn't say those stupid ass words if I knew you were going to die...I would've held you and not let go. Oscar I love you and too much. I was in the state of mind to kill my mom because of your death I don't want to imagine where I'd be if 19th street hadn't done that... Oscar honestly I don't think I can live without you I know it a selfish thing but I'm considering it-"

The bed sinks behind me and arms are wrapped around my figure and it feels like his body is pressing behind me. This is a little too real. Rosalía don't break your heart even more, God is giving you a goodbye.

"I'm here now Rosalía so don't do anything like that...and imagining what you and Cesar went through today...I'm giving up being a Santos now... I've learned my lesson there's no life in this lifestyle and it's hurting us and others. I wanna marry you and have more kids with you. I don't want to even be in Free ridge anymore I wanna move to Santa Bárbara and take Cesar and Abuelita with us...I want a close family and I wanna grow old and yell at our grandkids I wanna invite Rey to family functions and forgive him....and most importantly...I wanna breathe every moment with you."

Now that has to be real, I turn around and my soul drops. Oscar face is beaten up horribly and his neck and around his ear has stitches. I reach out and stroke his face. Real as can be. I pull myself to his chest and cry in happiness. His slow beating heart and his scent, it's captivating and sends relief to me.