Everything's Fine.

Chapter 9.5

Disclaimer: This chapter gets very graphic and may contain content that some readers may not be able to stomach.

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Samuel walks off. Again. His back is the only thing I see.

I can't call out to him. I can't apologize for ignoring him. I stand there, frozen. Not from the cold. From the shock.

He yelled at me. He called me a slut.

I mean, everybody at this school has called me "slut", "whore", "sex maniac". But when Samuel said it...

...

What's wrong with me?

Why did I ignore him?

What have I done?

He looked like he was going to punch me. I would've rather had him punch me than say those things to me.

If you really cared about all that, you wouldn't have ignored him in the first place.

It takes all the effort I have not to SCREAM at the THING inside my head. I'm still at school. Someone will hear me.

I grab my bag and start running. Toward the front of school. Past the gate. Past the river. Past Twire park. All the way home.

I'm having trouble breathing. The cold air stings my eyes and lungs. Make it home. I can't stop until I get home.

I wish June were still here, and not away at college.

I wish the old Aunty was here, the one who loved me more and not Dylan.

I wish Kyle cared more about me.

I wish the entire school didn't hate me.

You wish Samuel didn't blow up at you.

The apartment door slams shut behind me. I throw my back against the door and sink down into a ball.

"GYYYYYYAAAAAAHHH"

I think that's my voice. Screaming. Out of control.

Calm down. Take deep breaths. You'll be fine. Just step... into the bathtub... calm.

You wish you were never born.

No.

You wish you knew boundaries.

No. No No No...

You wish you weren't a spineless lowlife, who can't even stand up for herself.

Stop that. No...

You wish you could stop-

Shut up. Shut up.

-your past self-

Shut up. No. Stop that. Stop talking.

-from experimenting-

I'll kill you I'll kill you

-with whittling.

You don't FUCKING INSULT MY FATHER.

Why? He was the one that left first. And he wasn't even-

I can't. It won't stop. I can't calm down. My breathing gets faster and faster. The THING won't stop.

Go to my room. Get the knife. Any knife. Go to the bathtub.

What if the knife isn't enough?

...

It's right. It won't be enough. It keeps FUCKING COMING BACK.

I know... Aunty... She keeps a candle lighter in one of the kitchen cabinets.

* * *

I lay on my bed. My arms hurt, my hair spills everywhere. But it's fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine.

The thing's gone. It won't come back. I won't let it come back.

With it out of my head, I can finally think. I'm finally at peace.

I raise my arms to look at them. Well, not much to look at. They're both wrapped in gauze, but at least there isn't as much visible blood staining through now. Not this time.

It still hurts to move them. The burns sting, but they feel better when I run them under cold water.

Samuel's angry speech rushes back into my head. Specifically: "I'm going to tell the school administration about you. About everything I've heard about you."

I start to panic a little at that threat. He didn't actually say anything to them did he? Hopefully not today. I'll have to stop him next week.

I want to ignore him. To ignore everybody. But I can't do that anymore. Instead I'll start talking to him. Like a normal person. I'll have to pretend that I'm fine.

Pretend? No, I don't need to pretend. I am fine. Once he sees the new me, he'll back off, and maybe soon forget about me.

Yes. That's good. And then everything will be fine.