Everything's Fine.

Chapter 2.5

What am I doing?

I stand at the corner of the street, watching Samuel walk away. I'm still wearing his scarf, but I don't want to open my mouth and call out to him.

My arms and legs are still freezing, but at least my neck is warm. I guess.

Why did I even sit there with him? I should've left when he first came. Now he thinks we're friends.

Someone cares about you.

No they fucking don't. Nobody at that fucking school cares about me.

My eyes start to water. It's the cold. It's the cold.

He'll tell the administration that you're cutting yourself.

He might. But he also said he wasn't going to ask me about it. He'll stay silent about it.

You like him.

Shut up.

He'll solve all your problems.

"Shut the FUCK UP!" I screech, hunching over and throwing my hands over my ears.

Oops. I look around. Thankfully, the streets are still empty.

I've learned my lesson. I know what will happen if I continue to talk to him. If I talk to anybody. It's happened before.

I know what to do. I'll go home. Take the knife. MAKE the voice in my head shut up.

I think I'm grinning again. Oh well. Not like anyone is nearby to see me.

I'm shivering. The cold is really biting. I need to get home. Out of the cold. Into the bathtub. First the soothing warmth of the hot water running down my back. Then the sharp, exhilarating pain from the knife running across my forearms.

The scarf? I don't need it. He's going to ask for it back. It's going to give him an excuse to keep talking to me. I grab the scarf and rip it off my head, then throw it into the snow.

What excuse are you going to use?

...

I lost it.

Do you think he's really going to believe that?

...

I go to pick the scarf back up. I'll give it to him tomorrow. Then we'll never talk again. If I ignore him enough, he'll start to ignore me too. Everybody at school does.

What about the coffee?

It wasn't even a hot chocolate like I wanted. Too bitter. And he got it with a gift card. It doesn't matter. I don't owe him anything.

What if he asks for something in return?

"You... need to shut up." I say through clenched teeth.

I'm definitely grinning. I also think tears are running down my face. I can't tell.

The knife will fix this.

Scarf in hand, I begin the rest of the walk home. Aunty's definitely out of the apartment now.

It's fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine.