The Worst Drug

•I Could Kill Him•

{•Unedited•}
~Vina's POV~

"I just rocked that little bi-angel to sleep for two hours and she just fell asleep. Nothing would make her stop crying," my mom say, setting the baby monitor on the table next to me. They came back from their business trip this morning, having to babysit for one of my moms coworkers since her husband has an important work event and they can't bring an infant. Both my parents were suspicious when they seen me here today but didn't didn't ask questions.
Catching a glimpse of myself through the reflection of my phone screen, I look exhausted. There's dark circles under my eyes and my skin is paler than normal. I didn't want to bother with my hair this morning when leaving home so I just threw it up in a top knot, pieces falling out in all directions. However, I still don't look as bad as I feel. Somehow being numb is worse than the anger or sadness, I would rather feel that than this empty feeling in my heart that was filled with Idris.
"She had a bit of a cough. Maybe she's getting sick," I theory. She pulls the chair out next to me and drops down dramatically, puffing her cheeks out with a loud exhale. Her wild curls surround her well structured face, some strands in the front falling straight down her forehead. Her long, purple polished nails tapping on the table.
"Maybe," she says, looking around. "So I haven't wanted to say anything incase your dad wasn't supposed to tell me, but we all know I can't bite my tongue for long. I know you're pregnant." My body tenses. "I know it's scary, it's perfectly normal to be scared. You-"
"Mom, I'm-"
"You and Idris will make amazing parents. He's stupid but he'll be a great dad. Have you told him?" I nod, fiddling with my fingers. "Well, how'd it go? I'm sure he was thrilled." Taking in a deep breath, I shake my head. Her neatly done brows pull together in question.
"I was pregnant, I went to the hospital last night...Sin had to bring me. I had a miscarriage," I tell her, tears blurring my vision. When thinking about that whole part of the situation involving Aria I can feel angry. She took my child from me, literally beat it out of me. "Idris and I had been having problems which was causing me a lot of stress. We had got in a fight night before last about Aria and...and about Sin. He tried fixing his mistake by watching Ez on his own but...Aria paid me a visit," I tell her.
My mom sits up straighter, her jaw clenching. "What the fuck did she do?" She asks aggressively. I continue explaining everything that happened, rambling on even about Sin. Her expressions are worth a million dollars, shock and anger all over her face. My dad walks in with Angela in his arms wide awake.
     "Put that thing in my arms right now and I'm going to squeeze it to death," she says through clenched teeth when he nears her. I stand up and take her from his arms. She smiles widely at me as I sit down at the bay window where there's colorful building blocks laid out from when she was playing before.
     My mom gets up, grabbing my dads arm and yanking him towards the garage. Alone, I pick up one of the blocks and click them together in an attempt to entertain her but cringe at the sound. She struggles to put them together, whining in irritation. Looking at her I imagine what maybe could have happened if Aria hadn't come over yesterday. Maybe I would have shared moments like this playing with Idris and mines son or daughter.
      Before Idris I never thought of having kids, it didn't seem like something I could handle, but overtime I felt that start to change. Every time he'd mention having kids there was a small part of me screaming to give in but I was too scared; I was scared for the wrong reasons.
    I'll never be upset with Idris for having Ez, she's a part of him. Aria though, if she hadn't came into the picture him and I might still he happy. Maybe we would have even tried having a baby after I got my memory back, or maybe I just wouldn't of lost this one. I would have been able to happily tell him I was pregnant like we both wanted and experienced it together, not through fights and secrets until it came to a painful end.
     I know I'm the one who walked away, and I still believe that's what's best, but I miss him. Literally closing the door on him was the most painful thing I've ever made myself do. This morning his arms were still wrapped around me, it took all my strength to tear myself from him.
My mom and dad come back in, my mom not looking so upset anymore. Angela looks up and flails her arms excitedly. "You used to play with blocks all the time," my dad says with a laugh. My mom bends down and picks up Angela, taking her into the living room where baby shark is playing loudly on the TV. It's funny to me that people actually asked them to babysit, friends or not; they aren't the best with kids. By the time I was eight I did the majority of things on my own but that's mainly because I found it easier that way, my mom just lacks patience with kids and my dad is...well kids can either be scared of him or see him as a big coloring book. "You wouldn't actually play with them though, when you would build them too high it wobbling would stress you out. You just organized them by color...in the bag."
     "I didn't like how messy they would be after," I say, blinking away tears that gathered when playing with Angela thinking too much. Nudging me with his elbow, he sits down next to me.
    "Talk to me, princesa. I don't like seeing you so down," he says, cutting the small talk. I shake my head, tears running over my lips. I wipe them away quickly, sniffling. "Don't make me throw a block at you." I laugh, taking the red building block from his hand.
     "I honestly think I would feel better if I actually...felt. I'm crying but I can't even feel why. I don't feel sad but I must be if I feel this drained." I'm happy he doesn't try saying anything when I pause, getting myself together so I don't cry harder. Knowing how he can get, I'm surprised he's being as calm about this as he is; usually, he would already be on his way to kill Idris. "I miss him...so much, I want to go home. I know if I do though nothing will change; him and I will just keep going in circles."
     He sighs, rubbing his hands together between his knees.  "Well, I could kill him," he suggests. I knew that was coming. My head snaps up, brows pinched together. "Make it quick if you want, he won't feel a thing. Unless you want him to suffer, then I'll take my time gutting hi-"
    "Dad, I'm okay; it's all okay," I tell him with a laugh. It's fake but it's still a smile. I don't know how I feel anymore other than numb. When I think about Idris, I only feel sick, no anger or sadness. "We just need to be apart for awhile. No need to go all narco on him."
    "You sure? Cause when y'all first started talking I was plotting his murder, I'm sure I can find the plan in my notes somewhere." I get up, setting the block down.
    "I'm just gonna go outside with Judas for a little bit," I say. He nods, standing with me.
    "You should let me train him for you; after what happened, it's important you have something that can protect you. Where was he when it happened?"
     "Must have been in the bedroom. Aria and I weren't very loud surprisingly," I say, crossing my arms. "You can if you want. He's good at listening already."
   "It'll give me something to do. Since I switched positions I never have much work to do anymore; it's safer but so damn boring," he says, tossing his head back. "And...this whole thing with Sin...are you and him still talking or is that done?" How am I supposed to answer him that when I haven't figured it out myself?
    "It was stupid is what it was," I say, walking towards the screen door.
    "Good. Idris was one thing, but I can't see you be with Sin," he says with a cringe.
     "You don't have to worry about that."
    ••••••
                          ~Idris's POV~