Isn't this February been a hell of a month? Like, everywhere in the world?
I don't remember if I ever told you I've been planning and saving money to go to Korea for two years now, May 2020 was going to be the month! But a pandemic virus started to spread and it seems like having waited for months for my friend to get a degree in order to go together after that is not enough to get me to actually go there. Apparently the fact that I was tired of waiting and finally able to go cannot stop flights from being canceled and illness from spreading everywhere. So that's one thing I had to let go. It came a fight from there, cause it really seemed like she didn't even care too much about not going, she has a job career to start you know? She has a life to live and priorities which do not necessarily involve anyone else but herself. It feels really nice having to let go about it you know, very fucking really nice. Then you have my other friend who gets dumped just out of the blue. So you have to help her and support her and try to figure the shit out and focus on her and comfort her and talk to her and listen to her and just witness all over again the fact that not having a personal life means you'll be constantly surrounded by people who are having more trouble than you. You'll live this constant emotional pain race, you'll have to annul yourself over and over again. Cause no one, and I mean no one, seems able to understand that having nothing in your life, having had nothing even in the past, having no perspective for the future, not even hope anymore, nobody gets it alone can tear you apart.
Plus I'm feeling so so little these days. Like everything I do is a mistake, like nobody gets my real intentions. I'm constantly misunderstood, I'm given flaws and faults that are not even there, even the less intentional. I feel laughed at, like the people who should love me stare at me all the time with an evil grin on their faces waiting for me to make a mistake. I guess this is paranoid, right? What if this was real? If I say: "if everything I do is a mistake and when it comes to you I'm not good at anything, shouldn't you just fuck me off?". OH COME ON DO NOT OVERREACT, they say, DON'T TAKE IT THAT SERIOUSLY, they say. I feel like my being unwell is so naturalized it is not even worth remembering or being problematized anymore. They think it's fake, they forget it's real, they don't believe it could actually be real. Never is it: "how do you feel? Why do you say you have a problem with this or that?", instead it's always: "you have a problem with that but that's so aprioristic I cannot accept it. That's stupid, just stop it". My discomfort is not worth it. Just stop it. How do you JUST stop it? Please tell and I'll do.
I can never sleep I'm very fucking tired.
ΔΙΑΒΑΖΕΙΣ
A diary
ΤυχαίοThe things I think, they're usually very sad, apparently I'm not in a good place in this period. Even when nobody will read them, they'll be out there. Featuring Bts because I spend a lot of time doing stuff related to them and I'm pretty sure I'm...
