Darcy and her father return back to their old stomping grounds of New York City. With her, Darcy brings habits of being reclusive. She is perfectly content spending most of her time within the walls of her father's café and sees nothing wrong with t...
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Earlier today, Ben and I talked a little about California. He knows I didn't like it there. He said "it never felt like home" for me. And I guess I never really thought to put it like that. And it just got me thinking – what is home to me? When does something feel like home? How many homes have I had?
It didn't feel like home with my dad. But the orphanage did. And my apartment with Papa now feels like home. But California? No. It never made me feel like how I do now. Am I mean to think that California wasn't home to me? I mean, Suzie was nice to me. She would take me to the grocery store so we could buy snacks for my lunch. We'd go to Kohls a few times a year to buy some new clothes when the seasons changed or I outgrew stuff. She let me paint the bedroom I was staying in any color I wanted. And, of course, she helped Papa with whatever he needed. Took him to appointments, picked up his medications, made the calls. Things like that. But I don't know – there's this distance that we were never really able to close. We're too much of a painful reminder.
I didn't know what home felt like for so long. I didn't know there was this intangible feeling that came with "being home." I think I would call the orphanage my first home. But why? I guess... because it felt like a haven. When I moved in with Papa, it felt like that too. Within those walls was safety. Warmth. Comfort. Company. Love. Acceptance. It was a place that was mine and that I knew I could run to if things out in the world became too much. A place I could turn to rest. Where I could be myself and be loved for doing just that. But then I guess when we moved to California, it felt different. Like I was intruding. Like I was a guest overstaying her welcome, and not like an actual member of the family.
Suzie probably has her guilt. But I think I have my own, too. I know Papa loves me. And I know he wouldn't want me to think this way. He told me himself yesterday, when I watched him dance around the living room and then broke down into stupid tears. He said I was his beacon. His north star. He said Evellyn would've loved me and he seemed so sure when he said that. Would Gray and I have gotten along? What kind of siblings would we be?
God, is this survivor's guilt? Is that what this is? My bedroom in California should've been the guest bedroom for Gray. The bedroom Papa slept in was for him and Evellyn. It should've been for them. It should be them...
"It should be them," I echoed in a broken whisper. I dropped the pencil and journal onto my lap and clutched my head.
Such toxic thinking, Darce!
No amount of wishing will bring them back. No amount of dwelling over the "what-ifs" is going to change anything. But these thoughts are my monsters for the night, and they've come out to play.
I felt like a pot threatening to boil over. It was all too much. My heart feels pierced with sorrow. My head feels like it's going to burst open with the sheer amount of thoughts pushing at the seams of my skull. I want to run from the echoes in my head. I want to hide from the emotions that pulse strong with every beat of my heart. I want... I need...
I pulled at the covers, searching for my phone. When I finally found it, I scrolled through my contacts until I found the one person I knew would be my voice of calm and reason. I smashed my thumb against the call button.
"Please pick up. Pick up," I begged in a whisper, pressing my forehead against my palm. I let the tears freely fall as the ringing stopped and the person on the other side answered in greeting.
"Hello? Darce?"
"Jessica," I sniffed. I swiped a sleeved arm across my eyes. "I need you."
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ahhh, it feels so nice to put out a chapter again <3 since updating, i've turned 21 and went back to school! really wanted to put out a new chapter before school got busy and then i ended up having an anatomy exam right after coming back so lolol. stay tuned for some darcy/jessica/reece action in the next chapter. as always, your patience is very much appreciated. just another struggling college student doing her best out, ya know <3
chapter q: what does home mean to you?
to stay connected/updated: please follow my instagram "trxblehearts" – i'm the most active on there. feel free to ~slide into the dms~ because i love to chat!
let me know what you thought about the chapter. share, comment, vote if you please and i'll talk to you guys soon :)
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