I NEED YOU NOW||KNJ||✔️

Chapter 37 (Sun, Apr 22, 2018)

"So, it's time for a serious conversation.", Yoongi said after kidnapping me from the living room where I had played games with Taehyung, and dragging me through the whole house to his room.

I was shocked at his sudden attack and looked around in the room to avoid his piercing eyes. The room was the complete opposite of what you would expect the room from a famous rapper with swag to be. The room was very modest, a big bed was taking half of he room, the clothes were openly laying on shelves and there was a desk full of music equipment. On the bed laid a kumamon plushy, I had to smile when I saw it.

Yoongi followed my gaze and strode towards the bed, dragging me behind him. He tried to hide the plushy under the blanket without making me notice it, but failed miserably.

"Back to our serious conversation!", he exclaimed, trying to keep a strict and serious expression up. 

He made me sit next to him on the bed and I looked at him, waiting for him to start the 'serious conversation'.

"You see, my members are like a family to me. They are the most important thing to me and I will do everything, everything to protect them. And I don't know what you mean for my family. Addition or thread."

He looked at me with a serious stare right into my eyes and I shrunk a bit.

"I have nothing against you personally. I don't even really know anything about you. My only problem with you is your huge influence on Namjoon. And thanks to him being our leader, we are all influenced by this. 

When you stopped texting him, he wasn't the one he had been before. We all heard him cry himself to sleep every night, he was starving himself and worked like a demon, trying to get rid of the thought of you, that was occupying him every second. It was hard for everyone seeing him go through this, especially for the youngest members, who adore him. Did you know this? The other members texted you, explaining the situation to you, but you seemingly didn't care and just blocked them.

And after all this time, when you suddenly read my message and didn't block my right away, I actually pondered, if I should keep this a secret to Namjoon, because I didn't want you to be in contact with each other, if you were hurting him this much." 

At this point he was so angry that tears were forming in his eyes and his glare shot daggers at me.

I felt so guilty. I didn't know that I had such an influence on Namjoon and that he had been torturing himself like this. The only thing I wanted to do right know was dying. I had caused so much damage to them that I wasn't even worth enough to look at them.

But still, there was one thing I had to clarify. "I didn't read those messages and also I wasn't the one, who blocked the numbers. I know that it maybe sounds like a weak attempt to deny everything and you may be offended, but it was my mother who did all this actually. She was the one who took my phone and blocked everyone.

You can blame and hate me for affecting Namjoon so much, but you can't blame me for everything."

His eyes softened and when he looked at me again, it seemed almost as if he was feeling empathy towards me. "I know you have been through serious shit and it's truly amazing how you are here with us and are opening up and healing. And I know it's mostly because of Namjoon.

When he figured out that I was texting you, he seemed as if he was coming back to life again. He had been a shadow of his old self, but suddenly he had been energetically again and he had this glimmer of hope in his eyes. You really mean very much to him.

And now I want to hear of you, what he means to you."

I gulped at this. How was I supposed to answer? I didn't even know myself what my feelings for Namjoon were!

Yoongi started to grow impatient and wiggled with his legs, which didn't help me the slightest.

"I don't know how to explain it. Where shall I start?", I asked him desperately.

"The best bet is to start at the beginning. What did you feel during texting him, beginning from the first texts?"

"At first, I was very annoyed by him because he kept on wanting to make me promise that I would keep his number as a secret. Thinking back again, he had very good reasons for it." 

I laughed at the absurdity. 

"When I found out that he was Korean, I asked him if he could be my texting buddy, because I wanted to improve my Korean. We didn't text anything apart from 'Good morning' and 'Good night' and I began to ask myself, if the chat was really necessary.

But then, he suddenly texted me, saying that he was never satisfied with himself and that the pressure he got as a celebrity was too much for him often and that he didn't know what to do."

"Wait, he told you that he was famous?", Yoongi asked bewildered.

"Yes, but I didn't even listen to music that days. I was just occupied with all the studying my mother forced me to do and didn't know anything about current celebrities.

However, when he texted me this, I felt the first time in my life truly understood by someone. I also had troubles to endure the pressure and was never satisfied by the result of my hard work, thanks to my mother who didn't forget to tell me always how worthless and disappointing I was.

From then on, we texted each other, telling the other about our hardships, comforting and giving advices to the other. He even helped me to find a friend! 

Each day I spent more and more time texting him. But my mother figured out that I spent very much time online and was not studying, like she ordered me to do. And she decided to pay me a visit to remember me of her orders."

I shuddered. Yoongi unexpectedly took my hand to comfort me.

"She did things to me, Yoongi. She harmed and abused me so that my body, my abdomen especially, looks so ugly that I have to fight the urge to vomit every time I see the scars. I will never heal completely."

Tears were running down my cheeks and I was not able to continue for a few minutes, trying to calm down, while Yoongi's thumb drew circular motions on my hand. Eventually my sobs died down.

"I felt so empty without Namjoon. And after my mother left, I was too afraid to hold the phone in my hand, because she had installed cameras everywhere in the house. But Namjoon found a way to save me and I'm just so thankful for him. I was so shocked, when he revealed himself in the apartment back then."

He hummed. "I'm sorry to interrupt you, but does he know of your mother's abuse?", he asked.

"He knows that I was abused, but I didn't tell him how and where.", I replied.

"And how are you feeling towards him now?"

"I honestly have no idea. He was my first ever friend, but I think there is more I'm feeling towards him."

"Love?"

"I don't know. I never really had experienced love, I can't tell." I looked at him helplessly.

"You can come to me whenever you have to talk to somebody.", he offered.

"Thank you, Yoongi."

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1303 words

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