The Class Agreement

17

I wonder if she realizes how many lines we've crossed. Very illegal, bold lines. She and I have little to no boundaries at this point. It doesn't scare me much on my end, but that's because I can't really get in trouble for this — she can.

But why did we get this far? When I think about it, it's all pretty wrong. Spending the night at my teacher's house. Constantly seeking her out because I want her attention. Fantasizing about her from time to time ... what the hell is wrong with me?

I'm treating her as if she's some kind of friend. Maybe this is where my mistake lies. At the end of the day, I don't want to put Athena's job in jeopardy even though she is her own person and she can take responsibility on her part too.

She can easily tell me that there needs to be a tremendous amount of space between us and that sharing personal information with each other is forbidden, but do I really want that?

Do I really want Athena to shut me out and place me back in the category of just another student she has to pass?

I can't lie to myself any longer and say that I don't have feelings for this woman. Lately, I've been pushing it to the back of my head and ignoring these growing feelings, but I don't think I can any longer. I can't afford to think the wrong things and make the wrong move.

I don't even know why I feel the way I do about her.

Does she even like women? None of it would matter. None of it does. We can't be anything more than this.

All of these thoughts started to affect my mood. It almost feels pointless to even think about this stuff. Why am I worried about how I feel toward someone I can't even have? Someone who definitely doesn't feel the same.

There wasn't much I could do in class besides take notes and attempt to pay attention to the lecture. I tried to avoid any further eye contact with Athena afterward. I didn't even want to sit in my seat anymore.

When class ended I didn't waste any time leaving. It hurt me — not saying bye to her or even giving her the slightest bit of my attention. I know she was probably confused. I wanted to get away from my growing frustration and confusion. It's not like I can do that for long either. I have to give her back her key during lunch.

And when lunch came around, my emotions were more or less in check.

I knocked on her door and walked in. She didn't even bother to look in my direction. She was typing on her Mac. I got her spare key ready, playing with it in my pocket.

She closed her Mac as I stopped at the desk. She leaned back in her chair and looked up at me. I pulled the key out of my pocket and placed it in the middle of the desk. She didn't look down at the key or take it immediately for that matter.

We just stared at each other.

"Is there something on my face?" I asked curiously.

"No. I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong," She responded plaintively. "But I think I'd rather have you tell me when you're ready."

"Why would something be wrong?"

She finally looked down at the key and took it, "I don't know if anyone's ever told you, but it's very obvious when you're upset."

"I'm not upset," I argued.

She hummed, something I notice she does a lot, "Is everything okay?"

I shrugged, "Yeah. I guess."

"Are you excited about that party Friday night?"

I almost forgot I even said yes to that.

"Uh, no, to be honest," I sighed.