Colour Her (Flowers and Keyboards 3) {Girl x Girl} (✔ Complete)

Chapter 25 - Amber

Swatching = Testing a product, usually on consistency and colour. A lot of makeup channels show swatches in their videos, usually on their arms, since it's easier to show it that way to a camera than if you show it on your eyes or lips or anything like that. It's not a perfect representation of a product but does give a pretty good idea of how it will behave on your face, especially the consistency of it.

I feel like hell. I've locked myself in the bathroom at Luuk's aunt's apartment since that's the only place where I can get some quiet, and even in here it's just... I can still hear the cars outside and the people elsewhere in the building.

When we came here by train this afternoon, I was doing pretty well, but when we went to meet Mya, everything just... Everything fell apart and I didn't know how to even think anymore. My head felt too full, the sounds too loud, the lights too bright and everything just felt wrong.

I hated the disappointed look on Mya's face when she realised I wasn't going to have dinner with her but I had to think of myself and keep in mind that if I wanted to go to the convention this weekend I had to take really good care of myself. I have to look after myself this evening so that I can have fun tomorrow and maybe even on Sunday.

Mya knows about my autism, and she tries to be thoughtful of it, to be considerate, but there are still things she doesn't understand about me and which she may never understand. And that may always be hard for her, and this going to conventions and things may be one of those things that will always be hard for her to get. Of course, I want to be there with her, have fun, laugh with her, but that's not going to happen today, because of my brain.

Because of my stupid brain, which sometimes won't let me do things even if I want to do them. No matter how much I want to do them, if my brain is in that mode, then nothing is going to happen. If I try to force it too much, it won't just influence tonight but will badly influence the whole weekend and even next week.

I have no idea why, but I raise my phone, turning the camera to myself and I start recording. I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. I try again, the frustration getting even stronger, but I can't make a sound. All sounds are locked inside me. I have words. They run through my head, but I can't speak them, I can't make them come out, they won't happen.

Then I stop the recording, and take a look at the video. I've never done it before, record myself in this situation, but it's confronting and oddly comforting. My makeup is a mess from the crying, but that's not what catches my attention the most.

I can see the pain in my eyes, the frustration, and how the words just won't come out of me. I have the words, they're here, in my head, they exist, but no matter how much I try, they won't come out of my mouth.

It's like they get lost between my brain and my mouth, and then just keep wandering in the darkness of my mind, before coming back to the aware part of my brain, never having reached my mouth.

I'm not the same as Mya. I'm not the same as Luuk or Alex or Fleur or any of the others. They can try to understand as much as possible, but they don't understand it. My brain is different than theirs, and I don't always know how to explain it.

Putting my phone away, I get up, stepping out of the bathroom and I walk into the room I'll be sleeping in this weekend. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I have the feeling I need to do something, I have to create something.

I have this strong need inside me, even though it has no shape yet.

Opening my makeup bag, I take out everything inside, putting it on the wooden floor, very glad that there's no white carpet here or something, I wouldn't want to stain it. Then I sort through everything and put aside the Rainbow Collection pieces, my eyes going back to them constantly.