The Class Agreement

11

He was standing at my doorway, eyes glued to the floor. His grey t-shirt was slightly wet from his sweat I suppose. His old basketball shorts slightly hung below his hips. I didn't say anything to him. Instead, I just waited.

He finally looked up, revealing his irritated green eyes and damp cheeks.

He's been crying all day.

"You're getting help. You and I," He said quietly. "I don't care how much it costs."

"Help?" I repeated hoarsely.

"Therapy," He paused. "We're gonna do therapy."

I just stared at him, not completely surprised or shocked. My parents have been talking about therapy for a while now, but never really with me. It's always been among the two of them, but now it's just my Dad.

We're both having a terrible time adjusting. We barely sleep or eat at the moment.

I've been forcing myself to stomach some food so I can at least maintain my work outs.

"We're doing this, Nova. I don't care if you want too or not," He said. He then left from my doorway.

I sat there, half-dazed and still angry. I'm too tired to protest.

It's been two weeks since my mother died of respiratory failure. Today was the burial. This has been the hardest thing to do for my father and I. So hard that I couldn't stay at the funeral for long.

I left mid-way and drove around. My mother didn't want me to see her in a casket anyway. My father didn't protest when I left. He understood from the beginning, but it probably doesn't look the best on my family.

They don't come around too often anyway so I could care less about their judgments.

✸✸✸

"What would you like to talk about first?" Mrs. Duran asked. "We can move as slow as you want, Nova."

I took a deep breath, trying to hold on to the little patience I have. It's hard and I'm tired, "This is weird for me. I don't know what to start out with."

"How about the first Nova?"

"My mom," I said quietly.

"How come she settled on naming you after her?" She asked.

"Um ... My father wanted too, really. He always said we were the moon and stars to him. My mother has a different middle name than me though."

"What's your middle name?"

"Addison," I answered. "She came up with that."

"It's a gorgeous name."

I sorta smiled, "Thank you. I didn't think I'd ever miss someone this much ... that it would hurt this bad, I—"

Silence fell between us. My words got caught in my throat.

"It's okay," She said softly. "I understand."

I broke down crying. It was strange, crying in front of someone I just met, but at the same time, she doesn't know me. She's never been around or been in my life to really judge me. This is our first session and I don't care that I'm balling my eyes out already. Strangely enough, it feels good.

I caught my breath, "She died so suddenly. Got sick so suddenly. Please don't tell me you're sorry either. I'm so sick of hearing that from everyone."

"I won't," She said. "But I will tell you it'll hurt for a long time."

I nodded, appreciating the honesty, "Thanks, Mrs. Duran. I need some goddamn honesty in my life."

"This question may be redundant, but I'm going to ask anyway. How are you dealing with the current grief?"

I shook my head, "What does handling it even mean. This is my first time experiencing death in the family. What really is grief?"

"Grief is deep sadness usually caused by losing a loved one," She answered. "It can affect you in numerous ways. People respond to grief differently. It can range from anger and irritability to detachment, and dissociation."

"I think I'm all four at this point."

"It is a very strong emotion, but you can recover from it. It will just take time and effort."

I started crying again. Lately, my eyes have been really dry due to the constant crying. My head is pounding. I can't get much sleep because I'm too busy thinking. Replaying her last moments in my head. Wishing my reality wasn't this.

Grief sucks. This is a soul sucking feeling.

"I'm sorry," I said while sniffling. "I'm trying to talk. It's just been an excruciating month. These past few months have been shit."

"Take your time, Nova. This is only our first session. I'll be here as long as you keep me. We will get through this. Together. Having patience with yourself is important."

She's right, I guess. I just wish I can fast forward time and skip to the point in my life where this no longer hurts as much.

"If the recent passing of your mother is too much right now, we can switch over to something else," She suggested.

"No. I'm not gonna pretend that this isn't happening. Living here in this house without her is a constant reminder."

"Facing it head on like this takes a lot of strength. Some people don't even get that far. And you will make it very far."

I nodded. What good will it do me to push off reality. If I talk about it now, it should get easier. Maybe not easier to think about or accept it for what it is, but easier to open up about it.

My mother was a great person and an amazing parent. I have to talk about her, so people know who she was. So I can remember that and the good times. So people can appreciate their parents while they still have them.

Nova Morgan Jolie. My mother. My best friend. My first love, besides my father, Lucas Jolie. I'm doing this for her, for them.