Shadows | Clalec

Chapter 62

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Sorry that it took me so long to upload again... I was busy with another story for Christmas! I hope you had an amazing one!
_________________________________

My tears were streaming down fast. I couldn't believe that Alec was actually using me. He used me for a higher paid job and pretended to like me... Did he even love me or was that all a part of his sick game?

Upset, I walked inside my room and let myself fall into my bed. I didn't return here since my mother's death... heartbroken, I laid down and cried. My eyes were aching because of the much crying I did. Was he even worth? Maybe I should have just suck it up. What did I expect? I was their only hope to defeat this war.

They knew I was powerful and some people would take advantage of that. Alec did that. He saw his chance and he took advantage of me.

I sat up in my bed and look at the place where Jonathan murdered our mother. For some reason, I felt like her blood was still laying down their, spreading the whole time. I closed my eyes and felt more tears falling on my lap.

"How did this all happen?" I asked myself as I heard my voice breaking. All my hope was being shattered and I felt like I was going to die.

I could feel my parabatai bond with Alec diminishing. Maybe it was a good thing. I wouldn't be linked to him all the time... I wouldn't feel what he was feeling and it would make everything easier for us. It would make everything easier for me.

I was still looking at the place where my mum took her last breath. Maybe if I could have seen it coming, I could have helped her. I could have saved her but I didn't. Jonathan was always one step ahead of us. Even when he was locked up. Somehow, he was still working together with Liz...

I don't know how Liz could have fooled all of us... She fooled Jace the best. I don't know how to relate to him but finding out that your loved ones lie to you and hurt you, it hurts like hell. That's what I can relate too...

I guess now I understand the pain that Jace is going through. The only difference is Liz is purely evil and Alec isn't but is he? I sighed again and shook my head.

I knew it was impossible for me to fall asleep. With everything that was going on, my mind was too full and active. Different ideas and situations were going through my mind. I should have know better. I should have realised what Alec was actually doing. Now I understand why Izzy was so angry at him.

When my tears finally stopped streaming down my cheeks, I felt another hit of guilt and sadness which made me cry all over again. This sucks. My life as a mundane was never this chaotic. Maybe I should go back to it. Maybe I wasn't meant at all to fix the problems of the Shadow world. I was too weak for it. I wasn't capable of doing it.

I heard someone knocking on the door. Normally, I would say come in but knowing in what state I am, I rather stay alone.

"Clary, please open the door." I heard Izzy softly say. Hearing her voice made me want to cry. I knew that she knew what happened. She was aware of what was going on and she pushed Alec to tell me... until he wouldn't and she hinted herself.

"I want to be alone." I said softly but you could barely hear me. I don't even think she heard me. It was rather impossible to do so.

"I will kick this door open if you don't open it for me." Izzy said and I sighed. I knew that it was a very Izzy thing to do and I knew she would. Nothing would stop her.

With all the power I had, I made myself stand up and open the door. I felt heavy as if I had a training the whole day. It was weird how a heart break could change you in just a second.

When I opened the door, I saw Izzy's blue eyes staring into mine. Her eyes just reminded me of her brother. My heart ached and I looked away from her. It even hurt to look at her. How was I going to get over this? I don't think I ever will. This was just too impossible...

"Clary..." Izzy said softly and I didn't even want to look up to face her. It just hurt. I nodded as I was still looking at my shoes and hers.

"Please, look at me." She said and I could hear the guilt from her voice. I slowly lifted up my head and looked at her. It almost looked like she was about to cry...

"Are you okay?" She asked and I wanted to say no but yes seemed more likeable. She wouldn't ask more questions and she would leave me alone. That's what I needed now.

"I know what happened and I know I shouldn't have just threw it in your face but he wouldn't tell you." Izzy said softly and I just nodded. I had no words left to say. I was completely destroyed. Alec destroyed me.

"It is okay." I said softly and I saw the look Izzy gave me. She walked inside and closed the door behind us. It pained even more knowing that Alec's room was opposite mine. There was no way to just avoid him. I would always see him. No matter what... I don't know if I could handle that...

Was I even strong enough? I wasn't. I can't even handle a break up. Let alone facing Agramon. All of this was impossible. The Shadow world put their faith in me but there was no way I could do anything for them. I was going to fail all of them.

"It is okay to be not okay." Izzy said and I sighed. I felt the tears burning in my eyes and no matter how many times I tried controlling it, I was crying anyway.

"I am so sorry for what he did." Izzy said and I just stood there, crying. I was not making any sound. You could barely hear me sob but I was crying and inside, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Like all the pain was trying to get out but somehow, it didn't. It was stuck...