Antidote

Chapter 22.

Waking up this morning feels even better than any other morning. It's the first birthday that I get to spend with Hayden again. The only birthday I spent with him in the past started incredibly with the house and the party, but it was what happened after that scarred me. Our night ended terribly because he got arrested, which led to months of pain and traumatic experiences to last me a lifetime. Sometimes it feels like he and I can never catch a break, that no matter how good things are, something comes to ruin everything completely.

I have to remind myself that everything will be different this time. I can't continue to compare and judge our current relationship on how our old relationship used to be.

And to move on properly, I need to let go of the past. I already know I have a deplorable tendency of being too negative in my head. I need to work on having a positive attitude and an optimistic mindset.

Although I've noticed and can feel the beautiful change between us, I sometimes find that I need to prompt myself not to fear moving forward. Things won't go back to the way they used to be. I don't need to keep my guard up out of fear of heartbreak. Today, on my 28th birthday, I'm determined to knock down the cemented walls I put up to protect myself from pain and accept the vulnerabilities of love and life. It's time for me to embrace Hayden wholeheartedly without any reservations, and in time I hope he will be able to do the same with me.

Hayden's arm, previously resting loosely on my waist, hugs me, "Good morning." He utters as his lips tread gently across my neck, his hairs tickling me.

"Good morning, baby," I laugh, shifting my body to put a stop to his kisses and the titillation of his hair on my neck. His hair has gotten longer and curlier in this past month, and he hasn't been shaving his beard the way he used to. He started off cutting it low, and when we would kiss, his beard scratched at my chin, but I loved the friction. Now that it's growing, he's maintained it, and it's like a soft pillow. Regardless of what it feels like when we kiss, I think he's sexier this way. Thinking of his hair, I instinctively run my fingers through his curls, "Did you sleep well?"

When he lies back down on the pillow, I rest my head against his chest, "Yes," He answers, "Always when I'm beside you. Are you feeling okay?"

His question was in response to my tears last night, "I told you last night that I was just happy, Hayden. So I'm fine, I'm happy," I reiterated. "And I get to spend my whole day with you."

Even though I've been home every day, Hayden is usually working either at his office or holed up in his study. We eat dinner together as a family, but he's only ever free all day on the weekends. I've been spending the majority of my time during the day with Naomi and Hannah.

"And we get to see our baby together." He reminds me of my appointment this afternoon. Without thought, my hand instinctively runs over the small protrusion I can call a baby bump. This will only be my second appointment and my first with Hayden. I'm excited to see how much our baby has grown since my last date.

"I think today is going to be my favorite birthday ever." In the back of my mind, I always disliked my birthday because something wrong always happens on this day. I was still hopeful that for just one birthday, I could have an average happy experience. I always wanted to love this day.

When I was younger, around six, I vividly remember my father planning a party for me in our yard. It was a Thursday afternoon, and my mother didn't show up to my party, and my friends mocked me for it mid-party. She didn't come home until the late hours of the night, loud and drunk. I was still awake when I heard my father yelling at her and her throwing things and cursing at him. I blamed myself because I listened to them yelling my name, so I assumed they were fighting over me.