Antidote

Chapter 18.

"This is not the season for nobody else but us, I always get wrapped up in you, baby, I'm in love..."

(Alicia Keys ft Miguel - Show Me Love)

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Having yet to find a qualified job that I will be happy with and living in a penthouse of a hotel I've struggled with my move to Seattle more than I want to admit to myself, to Hayden, and especially to my mother. Once again feeling I've rushed into things too soon, I have to remind myself, at the moment, Hayden is the only part of my life that brings me joy. Spending time with him and Naomi before I go back to the lonely suite reminds me of why I made the move in the first place. I moved back to start a family with the man who is going to father our future baby. I came back for a new beginning.

My belly hasn't grown significantly since I first found out about being pregnant, and if it weren't for Hayden kissing my stomach when we're lying down or telling Naomi she's going to have a sibling, it could be out of sight out of mind. If Hayden doesn't make sure I eat I could go hours without eating as I don't have much of an appetite. The only thing I have right now is cramps some nights while I lie in bed alone. They're usually gone when I wake up in the morning so I don't think to mention them to anyone by the time a conversation starts about how I'm doing.

Even though it's only been a month since I moved here I expected things to be farther along and for work to come easy. I've been disappointed in myself a lot lately, especially during the nights when I can't sleep. My mind reels and doesn't stop just as it's doing now.

"Earth to Alice," Hayden chuckles, his voice bringing me back to the here and now. "Everything okay?"

"I'm thinking about work and my failure to find an adequate job." There's a lot of other things on my mind at the moment but I have to take it one step at a time.

"You don't need to work Alice, I make enough money for both of us." I think he's trying to make me feel better by saying this but it has adverse effects.

"And what? Live off of you for the rest of my life? Be a stay at home mom?" I snort as I say this. There's nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom—or dad, but knowing myself, I couldn't do it. I always have to immerse myself in something and I don't like staying home so often. "Yeah, I don't think so Hayden."

"You could always come work for me." He's smiling at me and usually, I would be head over heels with him over just a smile but all I could give him in return was a forced one. He's adorable for trying.

"Unless you need a psychologist I'm going to politely decline your oh-so-generous offer."

"I know you never wanted to work for me, I was just teasing baby. You're almost as amazing as Dr. James I'm sure you'll find something soon."

I laugh at his use of the word "almost" and he chuckles placing his hands over mine that's resting on the table, "I'm glad you're laughing, I can sense you've been more stressed since you moved back here and for that, I am deeply remorseful. I just want you to be happy Alice. Whatever you're going through or feel or want you can tell me. I will do anything for you, baby."

Now that he says this I feel it's the best time to speak with him about something else that has been on my mind lately.

"Well, I've been thinking what if I move in with you . . . now?" For some reason I struggle with saying this, unsure of how he'll respond to me. For a split second his brows furrow with confusion and I don't give him a chance to say anything before I defend my reasoning for wanting to do this only a month into being together again. I was the one who said I wanted to take it slow. "I've never liked sleeping alone and it's even worse now than ever. I just want to be with you all the time Hayden. I want to wake up to you and I want you there to comfort me. My reasonings are pretty selfish, I know, so I'll completely understand if you or Naomi aren't ready."