Antidote

Chapter 2.

"Can't keep my hands to myself, I mean, I could but why would I want to?"

(Selena Gomez - Hands To Myself)

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We partied separately with everyone else for the next hours before Reign and Channing left to go back to their hotel room. Mohamed and Aria left after them, and I was one of the few left at the party sober and overthinking. My therapist would have a blast if I told her I was going to be spending a night with Hayden.

I've been telling her I was over him and that my love for him was still there but not in the way that it once was. I thought that was true until I saw him again. I thought I had officially moved on and that's why I was able to be with Declan but I was wrong. I am wrong. I haven't moved on. I still want to be with him.

Sitting in this car with him I realize I missed him more than I admitted to myself and to everyone else. Hearing him listen to the same indie music brings a smile to my face. Smelling his scent still of an overly priced cologne and none other than himself still captivates me. Watching his finger toy with his lower lip still turns me on. He still turns me on.

"Alice," His voice throaty and damn sexy as he utters my name.

"Hmm?" I can't find it in myself to look away from him. I can't stop my mind from thinking about what it will be like to have those fingers in me, or those lips on me . . . he still has the same effect on me.

"Even in the darkness of the night, I can feel and tell what you're thinking. The sexual tension in this car is frustrating me because I still have another five minutes until I get to the house."

I bite down on my bottom lip and force myself to tear my eyes away from his face. I'm fighting back everything in me that's telling me to take off my seat belt and suck his cock while he's driving. I've never been bold enough to do something like that and I'm not going to start that tonight. But I'm very tempted to.

"Should we talk then? It's been three years, a lot has happened since we last saw each other. Ten questions each?"

"I guess." He mumbles, a smile stretching onto his face as he responds. "I'll start. Why did you move away?"

His question, though it's a good one, I was hoping he'd never ask. I don't want to tell him the truth about my reasoning for leaving Seattle. It was a spur of the moment decision but I was thinking clearly when I had came to the decision to leave. I'm a runner. When times get too hard or life feels out of control I leave. It's the only thing I know how to do. A habit learned from both my mother and father. I left Seattle because of Hayden, because of history, and because of my pain. I left Seattle because it was the easiest thing to do. "Well, I left because I knew that if I didn't, I would have returned to you."

And just for a moment, his eyes look at me instead of at the road ahead of him, "You wanted to come back to me?"

"This counts as your second question," I laugh lightly. "And yes Hayden, just about every single day. I missed you and everything about Seattle reminded me of you. I couldn't stay, leaving was the only way I could attempt to move on from you."

"Did it work? Did you move on?"

"Well if I did, I wouldn't be sitting in the passenger seat of your car praying that we can get to your house sooner so you can gratify me the only way you know how. Now it's my turn." I don't give him a chance to respond to my answer before I force out a question of my own. "What do you think has changed the most about you?"

"Well Dr. Greene," he begins causing me to laugh. I can't help myself from sounding like a therapist but it's something I need to know. "Since Naomi has come into my life, my need for control in all women has changed greatly. I don't wish to cause anyone pain and I actually have a heart. After you left, I found that I had no respect for women. They were just objects to me, just people for me to fuck and toss, they were there to give me what I pleased. From countless sessions with Dr. James, I learned that it was something I've developed over my prepubescent years from the negligence of my mother to Paige and Heather who used me and had taken advantage of me. Because of them, I viewed women as nothing but bodies of flesh with sexual organs. That's why it was so easy for me to remain unattached and so easy for me to harm them sexually and take advantage of them."