The Girl in the Shadows

Chapter 11

Sunday Morning

October 21, 2019

I sit in my mother's hospital room waiting for her to finish her check-up. We had spoken little since I'd come in early this morning and that's because of me. While she'd tried talking to me, I've been less than receptive.

"What's going on, Carmen? You're worrying me." She asked once the nurse leaves and we're alone. I'm unable to meet my mother's eyes so I focus on my hands, picking at the skin around my stubby nails. After the big confrontation with Seth yesterday in the library and my blow-up at Steven last night, I decided that it's time to talk to my mother about things. She's always been here for me and I know that this won't change anything between us. I know that she won't love me any less for being the way I am.

I'm not okay.

I've realized that through these past two years I've been playing a trick on myself, believing my two special words to be a magic chant to make everything better. In reality, they've done the opposite making my insides rot away with the sick illusion of being okay. I hadn't only tricked all those around me, I'd managed to trick myself into believing the words too. It had been a hard pill to swallow but one I'd taken with the help of Seth. I look up at my mother, worry swimming around in her muddy brown eyes and the emotion does me in. My face contorts and tears roll down my cheeks before I can stop them. "Mom," My voice is high pitched as I speak the word.

"Oh, sweetheart, it's alright. Come here. Everything's alright." She says, opening her arms to me. I dive into her warm embrace, welcoming the feeling of safety and love. Just as Seth had yesterday, my mother whispers soft words of reassurance in my ear as she runs her hands through my hair. "What happened? Does this have anything to do with your partner project in class?"

I shake my head and squeeze my arms around my mother tighter. "No, it's something else."

"Did you get into an argument with Gwen again?"

"No."

"With Steven then?"

I shake my head once more.

"Then what's going on? I can only help if you talk to me, Carmen." My mother breathes a sigh and I burrow my head further into the crook of her neck She remains quiet after that and the only sound that fills the room is that of my quiet sobs. In the silence beside them, I think about everything that happened two years ago.

My mother's cancer had gotten much worse and, as a result, I'd closed in on myself even more. Gwen and Steven both tried to help me. They were there for me as much as possible, but they couldn't always be around. I'd devoted myself to video games in my spare time and because of that everything else in my life suffered. I stopped going to see my mother as much in the hospital, terrified of all the machines and how sickly she always looked because of the medicine. My father was working more than usual just to handle all the bills and it often left me to my own devices in the evening. Despite the distraction of games, dark thoughts would continue to leak into my mind and my sleep schedule suffered.

That's when the bullying at school started. It was small things at first. A jeer here. A chuckle there. Every now and then there'd be a rude comment, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. I told myself they were only messing around. Playing with me. It's the same excuse I fed to Gwen and Steven when they'd asked about it. Despite my reasurrance they still confronted everyone about it. Steven was already known around school as King by then and everyone was just downright scared of Gwen, so a lot of people listened to them. For a while, things had returned to normal.

I could still feel their stares, though. Their eyes would follow me everywhere around the school. I could never escape them and that drove me more insane than anything they ever could have said. I'd been so stressed one day in particular and accidentally run into a classmate. They hadn't taken kindly to it and shoved me aside, causing me to scratch myself on the metal spiral from my notebook. The student had run off, not wanting to get in trouble. I'd just watched the cut as the blood had come to the surface creating a thin, dark line against my pale skin. There was no pain. There was nothing. Just silence and I felt as if I could breathe again. That's how things began to spiral out of control.

The name-calling and bullying started up again, people just kept it on the down-low, making sure that Gwen and Steven didn't find out about it. I was threatened and told the terrible things I would suffer if I ever ratted them out to my friends. Of course, I'd never say a word to anyone. It didn't matter anyway, I'd found a form of release that not even my video games could be compared to.

Everything was fine for a really long time. I'd manage to keep the cutting and bullying on the down-low for the first year of high school. It was in the second year when I'd messed up. It had been such a bad day. There was something about tests that always set everyone on edge. Midterms were right around the corner and the bullying was worse. People were taking their stress out on me and everyone was always watching. Steven had also come out to me around that time, driving my anxiety high because of the responsibility of keeping the secret.

That day, mom had been taken in for emergency surgery too. It all piled up and I wasn't able to hold out. I'd been so good about not cutting at school, but I needed to make an exception so I did and I'd wound up in the hospital beside my mother for blood loss. Everyone had been mortified and no one could understand why I'd done it. What was wrong with me? Didn't I know that I still had so much life to live? That it wouldn't be fair to those around me to just quit?

I hated all of them.

What was wrong with me?

If I'd known the answer I wouldn't have wound up in the hospital to begin with.

Didn't I know there was so much to live for?

There was nothing but another day of misery at that point.

It wouldn't be fair to those around me?

What wasn't fair was having to go to school every day and deal with bullshit from everyone.

I wasn't a punching bag. I wasn't there for people to relieve their stress. My life was shitty too. I had my own problems going on. My own worries over school. Does that mean I could find someone and just start taking it out on them too? I hated them all, but I was too much of a coward to say it so I smiled and I started playing my trick. My trick on myself and everyone around me and now, I look up at my mother's sweet, caring, concerned muddy brown eyes. The eyes in which I'd inherited from her and I unravel my trick.

A/N: Carmine has finally come out about everything to her mother. Any thoughts on this chapter? If you enjoyed it or are enjoying this story thus far don't forget to vote and drop a comment below! I love hearing from you guys!