Recover (Larry Stylinson AU)

Chapter Seven; The Cuts

A/N: This chapter is dedicated not only to Marijtjee who supplied me with the wonderful quote down there, but also to Anything1D, ilovehazzaandboobear, Marita_86, and everyone else that helped me with my Writer's Block (though I'm pretty sure I got everyone). I'll definitely be using all of your ideas, if not now then at a later time, so thank you so much! x

"When people hurt you over and over again, think of them like sandpaper. They may scratch you, but in the end you end up polished and they become useless."

- Chris Colfer

Harry fidgeted in his seat uncomfortably, wondering if there was any possible way for him to get out of the situation. He knew that he'd promised himself to tell Louis everything, but he wasn't sure if he could do that anymore. Sitting in front of his therapist and realizing that shit, I'm actually doing this, was a lot more different than simply thinking it at home. And he wasn't sure if he could do it.

He looked at Louis, who was simply staring at him and waiting for him to start talking. Shouldn't this be different? Shouldn't Louis be asking him questions? Harry heaved a frustrated sigh and ran his hands through his hair.

"Don't really know what to talk about ..." He muttered, keeping his eyes downcast as he spoke. He was far too embarrassed to look at Louis in the eye.

"How about we start with how you got your first cut?" Louis suggested, keeping his tone very passive and mild, while discreetly looking at Harry's wrist.

Harry's eyes widened considerably and he immediately started shaking his head, before he realized that this was the perfect oppurtunity to talk to him about the emotions he was feeling. He'd always been waiting for someone to be willing to listen to him, and now that he had the oppurtunity, why not take it?

He started fidgeting uncomfortably in his seat, and Louis looked at him sympathetically. "Take as much time as you need, Harry. I won't pressure you into saying anything. In fact, if you feel that you're not comfortable talking with me yet, then that's fine too. Just talk about whatever you feel like talking about."

"N-No, that's not it. It's just ... I've never really talked about .. this stuff ... to anyone. So it's just ... weird. I don't really like talking about it but I guess I should."

Louis smiled at him encouragingly. 

Harry looked away uncomfortably. "So, um ... I guess ... the first one was ..." He took a deep breath, deciding to launch into the story and not hold anything back, because delaying it would only hurt more. "It was when I was thirteen and I realized that I couldn't get a boner at the thought of a girl."

Louis was definitely shocked (this was not was expecting, but he wasn't complaining, because that meant that he could hit on him if he wanted to), but he didn't let his face show any emotion. Instead, he started jotting down things on his notepad, which Harry was eyeing warily.

"Are you writing all this down on the notepad?"

Louis glanced up at Harry, seeing the distaste on his face, and quickly put it on the desk, along with the pen. "Are you uncomfortable with it? We can talk without it, if you feel like that's a better option."

Harry nodded, swallowing as he looked at Louis' hair and wanting nothing other than to run his hands through it. No. I can't do that. No. No. No. Straight. He's straight. No. 

"Do you want to dwell further on that topic, Harry?"

Harry shrugged. He'd said his part. He wasn't sure if he could do any more. It had taken him a long time to come to terms with his sexuality, and he could barely say it out loud. Saying it right now--even though he hadn't directly said anything--had taken all of his energy, and he didn't feel obligated to expand on the topic or give any more explanation. 

Louis seemed to understand Harry's reluctance to go on, and decided to start going into lighter topics. For a while, they discussed Harry's lack of friends.

"Why do you think that the people at school don't like you?"

Harry shrugged. "'Cause I'm useless." As soon as he realized what he said, his eyes widened and he started stuttering, trying to take back what he said. "I-I mean, I g-guess it's because I'm q-quiet?"

Louis stared at him empathetically until the younger boy became uncomfortable with his gaze. Harry was an idiot. He shouldn't have said that. Now Louis would think that he was an attention seeker and none of his problems were actually true. But he watched with curious eyes as Louis walked over to the other side, where Harry was sitting, and grabbed both of his shoulders and made him look in Louis' eyes. 

"Harry. Please, please, please listen to me when I say that you are absolutely not useless. I've seen who you are. You are a funny and cheeky and charming boy who has so much to offer the world, if you could just let go of your belief that you are worth nothing because you are, Harry. You are worth something. So don't you dare say that you're useless. Don't you fucking dare let what those people say get to you. You can always come to me for help, yeah? I'll give you my number at the end of the session, so that you can come to me for help. But please, don't let yourself think like that. You are not useless. No one is useless, okay?"

"Thanks," Harry muttered, way too caught up in Louis' eyes and his hair and his jaw and his lips to notice that they were moving closer to one another. The only thing he'd caught from his speech was that he'd give him his number, anyways. 

They stared at each other for a long time, their noses touching and breathing shallow. Harry wasn't sure who pulled away first, but in an instance, the moment was broken and Louis was sliding back in his chair as if nothing had happened--as if, just for a second, they hadn't forgotten that the rest of the world existed--and Harry was feeling confused and wondering if he imagined it all. 

Louis looked at the clock and noticed that the time was up. He grabbed a pen and started scrawling some numbers on a scrap piece of paper. "Well, would you look at that. Time's up. Here's my cell, just call me when you're in trouble, yeah?" 

Harry nodded wordlessly, muttering a quick "thanks" before running out of the room, not even bothering to see if there was anyone in the waiting area, or saying bye to the secretary. He wasn't sure if he could this. That encounter they had ... It couldn't happen again. Ever. Or Harry would get his hopes up and get attached to Louis and that couldn't happen, because Harry Styles didn't get attached, especially to his therapists. 

He sighed, running his hand over his face, and wondering why life had to be so hard. He wished that he could just get hit by a drink driver and die or something, but for the first time in a while, he realized that he didn't mean it. 

A/N: A couple of things to say on this update: 

1. I am so sorry for the delays in updating. School is horrible. :(

2. I have a tumblr, so check out my profile where the link is, or just follow larrydoesntneedproof :)

3. Another reason the updates have been delayed is because I'm writing a new story. The summary for it is: When Harry's best friend convinces him to sign up for a dating website, Harry feels as desperate as he can get. But when he actually meets someone on it, he starts wondering if maybe the dating website isn't such a bad idea after all ...  Sooo, go read it! I just posted it. 

4. I know that school & other stories are no excuse for not updating, but I honestly have a lot of shit to do. I'm in a bunch of clubs (Peer mentors, Peer tutoring, Math contests, Young investors club, Science club, Film club) & I have a hard semester, so I think I have a pretty good dilemma here, seeing as there's not a night when I don't have homework. Don't call me a nerd okay I'm very proud of my involvment in school, hmph. UNEDITED, FORGIVE ME. That is all. xx

Btw, what did you guys think of the chapter? Better? Worse? Do you like where this is headed? ;)