Dear Future Husband...
I'm super tired so hopefully I don't say anything I would regret. I only got 3 hours of sleep last night. I have the habit of staying up late on my phone.
Anywayyys....
I'm feeling a lot of things. I think I'm happy. I've been having a lot of anxiety too recently and find myself holding my chest a lot (that's what I do when I feel my heart is beating faster than normal).
I looked up guys on the university mask last night, but I couldn't find anyone. Nobody matches me. I wonder if I saw you and skipped over you. If so, you have a horrible mask profile and I blame everything on you ;). It's ok, I forgive you.
You used to BTS yet? Right now I feel like they are my heart.
Listen to my music, and you can hear my soul beat.
It's the only way I can access my past, so it must be powerful. I bought like a lot of BTS Merch on Sunday. We'll see if I actually get it, and if it even fits. I might not get it until the Summer. If I get 2 free necklaces, I'll give one to my best friend for her birthday.
I'm worried since she's leaving. She's such a huge part of my life. I don't remember how to live without her.
Sounds like a predicament, right? So why don't you, like, introduce yourself now? Lol alright I don't know why we can't see each other, but I hope you want me as much as I want you.
I don't really have anything to give you. I'll let you run your fingers through my hair.
I'll buy you a necklace. I think they look good on guys. Yeah, you should wear a necklace.
I hope you like my voice, and that you like how I write music. I haven't met someone who has said they do yet.
Also you should probably boss me around more. I wonder how that would feel like.
And you should let me boss you around too. That sounds fun.
And you should ask me lots of questions, and I will search you up and down until I find the deepest parts of your soul and pull it into myself.
Please do that for me too.
I'll even get you food. And when I want to watch movies, then cuddle with me and watch movies, and react to them. And then say, "you know, let's make this happen in real life. You've been living in this world in your head too long."
One of my dreams was that the guy I date would be able to pick me up. I'm sorry I'm so heavy. I feel bad. I can't just expect you to be beautiful, but not make myself the best version of myself as well.
So I've tried to start exercising. And stop eating pizza. It's hard and my legs hurt. And my stomach. And my shoulders lol. Be grateful - this is for you after all.
Goodness taking care of myself is so much work.
Oh well.
Please take care of yourself too. I love you very much and wish I could kiss you tonight.
Instead I kissed the screen. It's warm and makes me miss the you I don't have yet.
Please find me soon. I'm here - waiting. Meanwhile I will keep becoming more me.
Believe in yourself like I believe in you. Goodnight.
