Dear Future Husband...
My senior year of high school, we had a spring banquet where girls ask guys. It was the first time I was supposed to ask a guy to go out with me. Like just to say they're willing to spend time with me. Not for a relationship or anything. It was finally in my hands to try to get a date. I decided I didn't want to regret not trying my best in the future. So I asked. It was so hard. I was struggling with anxiety and spent a lot of time and could barely eat out of fear. I couldn't face the people face to face, so I texted them instead. Every single guy I asked said no. I asked about 5. One said he didn't like banquets, but later he went with another girl. Another said he couldn't make it, and also ended up going with another girl. He was the only one who apologized. But I don't regret asking. It proved to me that it wasn't because I wasn't being proactive enough. I don't have to wonder what would've happened. I know.
It still hurts. I wish someone would want to get to know me. Just ask to hang out with me. I don't know how these things work. My friends haven't dated either. But they kinda have. They both act like it's a burden. I have never had a guy tell me I'm beautiful. And I have had girls tell me, but I could tell it wasn't real, and at the moment I didn't feel beautiful.
It's good I'm not dating anyone right now. Anyone who'd give me attention I'd become clingy to and would suddenly not be able to survive without them. I wouldn't be able to see clearly. And I'm not good enough at being able to understand other people's situations. All I can think about is myself.
This is why I know it is best for me not to be loved right now. I am very good at self-punishment. I inflict it on myself all the time. Isn't that what depression is? Everything I say I rip apart in my head. I am always telling myself I'm wrong. I'm sorry. I don't know how to fix myself anymore. My heart hurts too much. All I can do is feel pain.
What do I do now?
