Dear Future Husband...
I don't think I know what love feels like anymore. I'm afraid I'm not willing to put in the work. I don't think I'm able to actually trust that someone loves me. I wish I could talk with you right now, but it doesn't matter I suppose.
I've never been able to actually express my thoughts and feelings in words. But here I will try. I've honestly given up on love. (A long pause, as I try to think about how.).
I feel...ok when alone. I know how to self-medicate. I can drown out my feelings, simply talk myself through every moment.
But now, it takes extreme effort to talk to others. Even my best friends, and sister. I have pulled away from all of them. Even my dreams are simply hanging in my closet...waiting. If I can do this right now to the things I love, how would you expect me to treat you? And you deserve more than that.
Of course, there's still a part in me fighting against the blackness that is overcoming me. And I know someday I will return to the people I love.
But why am I hiding? What caused me to become like this?
I shut off every person in my life, one at a time, from least important to most important. I'm trying to feel emotion about it, but all I feel is blank. The emotion - the feelings I have right now are not about losing my people. In reality, they are about nothing. I simply am feeling raw emotion, deep down in my center.
Maybe I am simply taking all my emotions and dumping them all at once. I am using the rush to stay alive.
See? Now I'm crying, but it feels good. I'm happy. Right now, I don't want anybody. But why am I doing this?
