definitely maybe - e.d

chapter four: its just a game

raelynn robinson pov

it's just a game. just a fucking game. it's annoying me that i have to keep telling myself that as i drive home from ethans house.

but that kiss, fuck.

what am i thinking? i just have a sexual attraction to him, that's all it is. it's just sexual and it's just. a. game.

whatever i'm over it, anyway. i have bigger things to worry about as i pull up to my driveway, the place that is called home but doesn't feel like it.

every time i stepped over the door of my apartment i felt anxiety take over my body as to what mess i would have to walk into.

my mother is a drug addict, heroin to be specific. she's trying to get off it, but i know deep down that's not going to happen. she's too far gone to the point that even if she did get off it, she would be extremely miserable.

i sighed as i pushed my key into the lock, opening the door to the smokey living room.

our apartment was tiny. it was situated in some sleazy building where the walls were paper thin and covered in mould. but you just have to get on with it, i guess.

i walked in to see my mother on the sofa, asleep, cigarette stumps all over the floor, and empty bottles surrounding her.

i let out a deep sigh as i looked around me, why the fuck was this my life?

i did my usual thing of checking my mother's pulse and making her a glass of water.

"mom, wake up" i urged as i tapped her lightly.

she opened her eyes and tried to sit up, but she was a mess.

"r-raelynn, hi" she stuttered and slurred her words.

"mom come on let's go to bed" i ordered, grabbing her hand and helping her stand up.

she stumbled around the floor, and almost fell over the empty bottles she left there earlier.

i lead her to her bedroom and sat her on the edge of the bed, handing her the water and making her drink it.

"have you eaten?" i asked.

all she could do was shake her head, she could barely hold her own head up as she swayed from side to side.

i bit my bottom lip as i felt myself getting upset. then i remembered i don't have emotions so i shook it off.

i picked up her legs and swung them around so she was laid in bed, pulling the covers over her.

"let me go get your pills" i said, rummaging through the place where i hid her medication, i had to hide it, because of her history of overdosing.

i popped out one of each tablet and handed them to her with the water. she swallowed them and instantly started to fall back asleep.

i looked down at her, she was sweating, her hair was all over the place, she hadn't even gotten dressed.

"night mom" i whispered as i looked to the ground.

i went in the living room and started to clean up the mess, the alcohol bottles and the ash trays. there was tinfoil everywhere, that's how i know she had been taking heroin.

i fucking hate this.

i went back into my bedroom and rolled up a joint, putting it to my lips and smoking it, feeling that familiar relief.

my phone buzzed, so i clicked on the unread text notification.

unknown: hey girlfriend

it was obviously ethan. for some reason seeing his text message comforted me. i clicked on his number and saved it as 'e'.

me: fake girlfriend*

e: you sure you still wanna do this?

me: why? think i'm going to win

e: haha, that's real cute, babe

me: you're so full of yourself

e: no, it's just that i already had you bucking your hips for me and we were only making out.

my cheeks flushed as i read his message, a slight smirk appearing on my face.

me: how do you know that wasn't apart of the act?

e: call it a hunch, babe. il pick you up for school tomorrow.

me: i have a car

e: i know, but if we're gonna do this, we will do it properly, we have to go to school together, and you're gonna hold my hand as we walk in

me: ew

e: cute, see you in the morning, girlfriend