𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 / 𝐫𝐞𝐝𝐝𝐢𝐞✔️

twenty-two// abomination

     Trigger warning: child neglect, religious beliefs (Christianity), mentions of God, Satan, Hell, Heaven, and The Bible. Read with caution.
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     He heard a knock at his door.
     It was loud and urgent, like the police. Oh god, what if she really was gonna kill him? Oh god oh god oh god-
     "Father James!" Sonia shrieked, yet more of a thrilled shriek. She urgently ushered the man into their home, the suspicious man immediately locking eyes with the smaller, weaker, prey.
     He held a bible in his hand, the leather worn by the fingertips, each page slightly wrinkled and the ink smudged. He must read it a lot.
     His black hair was gelled neatly, his sleeves rolled up at his wrists. He wore a black sweater vest over a long sleeved collared shirt with grey pants and black leather dress shoes.
     He looked as if he worked for the mafia, businesslike and his lips pursed, yet at the same time looked intimidatingly friendly.
     Eddie allowed himself to stand up when Sonia tells him to do so, walking to him and staring up into his black eyes. They swallowed him whole, shining with purpose. Eddie longed to have that look in his eye, the look of want and need. Eddie held his hand out as he was taught to do when he met someone, especially someone of the higher class, but the man just nodded and mumbled a quick later.
     The later reassured Eddie slightly, that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't going to kill him. Maybe he was just going to..have a chat over tea or coffee.
     "Eddie," Sonia began, eyeing her son with the same look the priest had given him. Hope and disgust. "Father James is here to fix you."
     Eddie raised an eyebrow, his face littered with confusion. "Fix me?"
     "Yes, dear, he's going to fix you."
     He hadn't heard his mother call him dear, or any other nickname, in ages. He missed it.
     "What is there to fix?"
     Silence filled every crack and crevice of the room, Sonia and Father James sharing looks of disbelief.
     Eddie was dead serious, though, as he looked up at the two adults that towered over him. He felt like a toddler, just learning to speak, who'd just said a cuss word without realizing it.
     "Poor child," the man's voice was deeper than he'd expected it to be, he imagined it booming over a microphone as he stomped his foot in rage, preaching the word of God to middle aged men and women with their hands held high.
     It scared him.
     He'd never seen this man before in his life, not even from Church when his mom forces him to go on Easter and occasionally a random Sunday that the church is hosting a banquet.
     "Let me help you."
     The man's voice is seductive, luring Eddie into the firm grasp he held on his shoulder. Eddie let himself nod, it wasn't enthusiastic and he was reluctant to give in, but he'd give anything to have his mom back, even if she got on his last nerve.
     They sat at the table, cups of black coffee placed in front of his mother and Father James, while a small teacup full of ice cold sweet tea sat in front of Eddie. His palms were sweaty, itching and fumbling around in his lap.
     The man pulled a small, travel sized cross from his satchel, placing it in front of Eddie.
     Eddie looked up at the cross in confusion.
     "Do you know what this is, Son?" He asked, his eyes narrowed.
     "Yes, of course. It's a cross."
     "Good. Do you know what it means?"
     "It resembles Christianity," Eddie repeated what he'd been taught in the years of being dragged to Sunday school as a tot. He remembered sitting in a small room at a U shaped table, often colored green, with rainbow colored plastic chairs.
    Eddie laughs at the irony of it now, but he doesn't. He keeps the light chuckle inside, and continued to listen to whatever Father James had to say.
     "Right. You're a Christian, correct?"
     Eddie nodded his head.
      "Do you know what the Bible says about being gay, Eddie?"
     Eddie should've known.
     Of course this had to do with him being gay. Why couldn't he have seen it? Why couldn't he have realized that she was trying to "cure him" and make him whole.
     "No, sir."
     "Why don't we read, then?"
     Eddie watches as the man's skilled fingers flip through each page briefly, scanning for Leviticus 18:22, his fingers scanning until he found the correct passage.
     "You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination."
     To hear those words coming from Eddies mouth made his mouth go dry, his throat constrict. He didn't think it was an abomination, his eyes instantly glossed over in utter confusion, his breathing quickening. In all of his loss for words, the fact that he would be sent to hell, left to burn eternally, was swirling his head like a tornado. All he could muster in his mind was, what the hell?
     The man began to flip more pages, this time reading it for Eddie, but making sure to look up at Eddie while he did so. He probably already had it memorized.
     "If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them. Leviticus 20:13."
     Eddie stares up at him, his eyebrows furrowed in shame. Is this really how he's seen in the eyes of God? As an abomination? As someone who is merely unimportant and of no use?
     "For this reason God gave them up to dishonourable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error. Romans 1:26-27."
     "You're hearing this, right Eddie?" Sonia blurted, staring at the boy with fierce eyes. Eddie weakly nodded.
     "Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 1 Corinthians 6:9-10."
     Eddie became anxious in his seat, and he began to fear what his friends would think. Did they know this? Did they see him as an abomination? Did they want him dead? No, they couldn't-
     But do they?
     "No," Eddie said between gritted teeth. "I'm not a sinner, I'm not an abomination, I'm not going to hell! That's not true! That isn't-"
     The harsh hand came colliding with his cheek, but it wasn't of Sonia's, it was of Father James'. His ring left a small welt on the boys cheek, and he looked to Sonia for some sort of escape but she simply held her chin up.
     "You listen to me, Son. This bible is sacred, anything in here will apply to your life so be it, and if you refuse to reach and accept the word of God you will rot in the pits of Hell with Satan himself. Do you want that, boy?"
     Eddie was crying now, and he shook his head. Father Janes was now a blur in his eyes, and he felt another hit come in contact with his cheek. He stumbled back, the back of his knees pressing against the seat of his chair.
     "Say it, boy! Say you aren't gay, say it!"
     "I-I'm not gay," Eddie stumbled, fear lacing each word that escapes his mouth. Sonia looked pleased, and so did Father James.
     "Now go to your room and read your bible. When it's completely read, I'll allow you to have your dinner."
     The thought of real food made eddies stomach turn, his mouth watered. And so, he complied. He didn't have to read the entire bible, his mother wouldn't know.
     He did, however, collapse onto his knees in front of his bed, and pray.
     "God, if you really are out there like Momma says you are... please. Please don't hate me. I'm not an abomination. I like a boy, God. I do. He's the best boy I've ever met and I love him and I want to be with him, but Momma says I'll go to hell. Will I go to hell, god? Will I burn like she says? I don't want to. I want to love someone like everyone else does. I want to feel the bliss and intimacy everyone deserves to feel. Why can everyone else feel love except me, God? I'll try to love a woman, if that's really what I need to do, but..I don't know if I can. I don't know if there's any woman better than Richie. Goodnight, God. I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry for being disgusting and unforgivable.. I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask? Amen."
     The dinner came before Eddie knew it, although it was cold, it was something.
     Eddie thought about his prayer all night.