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✧ ·˚ ༘ ➷ ·˚.࿐
her and johnny belong on opposite sides of the bedroom. either of them refusing to speak. she, cries into the palms of her hands, trying to keep her sobs and whimpers as minimal as possible. though, she was unable to hide her shaking body racking with cries. johnny has his head burrowed in his hands. his fingers straining to comb past his unwashed and unbrushed hair. hygiene was the least of his worries at the moment.
"just tell me, did you do it?" seething through his teeth, his comment jabbing at her in all the wrong ways.
"i didn't-" she manages to utter her words, but fails as he impatiently interrupts her once again.
"lair!" he screams diligently, allowing her to cower more into herself. bringing her knees to her chest. "you cheated, god dammit. so why do you continue to lie to me?!"
the sobs come choking out, she tries her best to form a coherent sentence. her throat tightens up, it feels as if all air as been squeezed from her lungs. anxiously gasping for air between sobbing fits. the collar of her white shirt is soaked from wiping unwanted tears past her hot cheeks.
seemingly the beginning.
"john- i didn't cheat on you, i swear it .. on my life-i wouldn't do anything like that to you," she pleads, losing her voice slowly.
he doesn't even bother to gaze at her, believe her, or give her a moment at least, to explain anything. the overwhelming silence eventually convinced her to calm down a bit, and stop crying enough to where her breathing paces back to normal. the abnormal ringing in her ear fades. she stands, and takes some steps closer to the bed, closer to johnny. and sits down on the edge of the mattress.
"i didn't cheat on you," she repeats again, the time around in a softer voice.
johnny sighs, letting out a breath, "what the fuck 'm i supposed to believe them, huh? you're always gone and never telling me where you're going, and when you do you fucking lie about where you were. you sneak out all hours of the night. shit. if that's not cheating then what the hell are you doing?"
wiping away the wetness with her cotton shirt, "i don't know how to explain it, for you to understand."
"try. try for our sake because i can't keep doing this with you. this won't work if you can't be honest with me. you walk around this condo emotionless throughout the day, at night you up and disappear."
his words stab a deepened hole in the middle of her heart and she grasps at her chest as it threatens to battle another fight of tears.
since she was young she knew always had issues that not everyone would be able to comprehend or understand. it's isn't always like this though, it's bad. she'd had so much time to figure out how to hide it from everyone and she actually grew almost every proud of how good she was able to do it.
until she met johnny.
he always saw all of her, beautiful and terrifying. this wasn't they're first fight, but if was the first once that johnny had accused her of cheating. she can't blame him though, to anyone what she was doing would look like what he was accusing her of. but, for him to actually do it damaged her more than anything else.
she had always been a self destructive person, her toxic trait. when life became too easy, she always found a way to fuck it up. feeling particularly that she didn't deserve the supportive people around her.
it started up a few months ago, that creeping, gnawing sensation that things were just too easy. therefore, she began spending more time away from johnny. in the beginning, it was with her friends but even spending time with them became more of a chore. so she lied constantly about where she went. she never really went anywhere. sometimes she occasionally wandered the street for hours on end until ending up on the other side of town.
peaking earlier in the month, she'd crawled out of bed at around 2 am. the pounding voice inside her brain was optimistically telling her run. run away from it all. careful not to wake johnny, she did just that. feet padding the pavement hard that morning. running away from her life. her only other option besides ending it all.
" 'm i talking to a fucking wall?" she snapped from the flashbacks and memories to johnny standing in front of her, waving his hand or snapping his fingers in front of her face. she was too dazed to tell.
she peers up at him, cheeks streaked with tears and mascara. shattering his heart a million times over to see you in pain, he couldn't it though he was exhausted. an open book when they'd met, spending night after night together curled up in each other arms telling their deepest secrets. baring their souls like they haven't with another human.
her heart beat for johnny.
somewhere between then and now, it all went to shit.
"i'm here," she faintly replies.
"hm. are you really, though?" johnny questions kneeling in front of her. "what happened to you? to us? we used to tell each other everything. now you lie to me when you're going to the store."
wiping up half dried tears, "it's not about you johnny. it never has been."
"then tell me what it is," he starts. reaching for her smaller hands to hold in his much larger, veined ones. "i've been so patient with you. i've tried to talk things out with you. but i can't do the if you're not going to open up to me. and i cannot keep putting myself through this emotional bullshit, just because you can't get yourself together."
she winces at his blunt but truthful sentences, quick to pull herself away from his grip. " 'm s-sorry. i'll try harder."
johnny chuckles past his frustration. "we've been through this! every fucking time i have to come and pick you up somewhere in the middle of the night, or you wander back to bed after being out all night. cold, and shivering while i have no idea where you've been or what you've been doing. 's fucking insane. you're not trying harder. you've completely gotten worse."
at this point she's surprised that there is anything left in her to cry over but she continues as johnny speaks.
"don't wanna kick you while you're down, but i can't do this anymore. you don't get to shut everyone out and expect people to still stick around, only to watch you crash and burn. i want to help, i really do. but this is the last time i'm doing this."
she feels as though she deserves this and she's the cause of all this happening. now she was about to loose one one of the only things in the world that brought her a spark of light. simply because she couldn't get out of her own way.
"i love you, and i'm going to help you through this. but i can't do it as your boyfriend. do you understand?" he whimpers softly, his own tears slipping away.
she nods and rolls away from johnny. physically feelings her heart that pumps everyday, breaking and snapping in half. those words repeating in her head ..
