November 18th

:21:

>>2008

It was Wednesday morning as Emanuel and I were walking around, finding a place for breakfast. We had just dropped Israel and Gabriel at school and decided to go out for brunch. We found a small local diner and decided to settle there. The waiter had seated us by a window. Only a few people were here at the time. A familiar man sat at a booth near us. I tried taking small glances to see who it was but failed. About fifteen minutes later, I noticed a beautiful girl walking, constantly moving her hair to the front. As she walked by, it all clicked in.

Azaiah Winslow was here with her father Anthony Winslow. I barley heard much about either of them after the fire. All I know is the rising child-star had fallen, and it was all my fault.

I was taken out of my thoughts with Emanuel shaking me out of it. "We need to leave right now. Come on." He said after noticing who was sitting at the booth near us.
"No. No. We can't. Not yet, please." I begged hoping to find out why they would be here at this time, separately.

"Joel." He said sternly

"Please just like 10 minutes." I pleaded

What an asshole. All she wants is to follow her dream with the support of her dad and he can't even do that. She just went to the bathroom after telling her dad she wants to go to New York. I can't just sit here and watch her in pain, I didn't do anything about the damage the first time. This is all because of me. I'll make up for it this time.

She finally made her way back from the bathroom, walking past Emanuel and I. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her as she walked pass.

She's beautiful. What had I done to such a beautiful being? I only put her in pain.

I continued to eavesdropping on their conversation as Emanuel continued giving me bad looks.

"Azaiah, its my job as your father to save you from humiliation. I don't want my daughter to make a fool out of herself. There's a difference from before and now." I heard him say. "You want to go down a path where everyone will judge you for these scars, and you won't be able to hide them because it'll already be too late." He can't be serious I mumbled to myself. I furiously stood up making my way over as he continued to speak. "Now I'm going to give you the last say to weather you want to go to New York and make a fool of yourself or if your going to be smart and listen to you're father who is saving you from all the troub-"

"Hey babe, sorry I'm late, you know how LA traffic can." I said cutting him off. 

And so it began...

She keeps asking me why I decided to help her. I can't tell her it's because I'm the reason she's even in this mess in the first place.

Not only is she beautiful, she has a heart just as beautiful. I'm starting to like her, but not only because I feel bad. I love her.

>>2010

As the years go by, I've grown to love her more and more. But I'm scared. Scared what will happen when she knows and finds out everything. I hate myself but I don't have the guts to say a word. I can't see her break down in pain because of me again. But I also can't keep this from her any longer. I need to tell her. I won't blame her if she leaves me after I tell her but I hope she doesn't.

I can't do it. I tried my best but couldn't get the words out to tell her. I don't want to risk it.

>>2012

Last night was perfect. I got to show her how much I loved her. But the next morning was the day I never wanted to see. She found out on her own. She found my draft about the day it happened. I had torn it out, and stuffed it in my shelf since I couldn't keep it in my book. It crushed me every time I opened it up to write more. But she left. She hates me. And I have no reason to be against the hate. I never wanted her to find out like this.

I've been trying to get in contact with her but she cut everything off. I've tried asking Chris and Emilia but they both won't tell me anything. I just want to explain to her. I don't know what she read and what she didn't. I just want to tell her I never meant to do anything. I wasn't in the right state of mind. My sorrows had eaten me alive and it was the only solution. But everything just went wrong.
I love her though. I love her so freaking much. I never could have imagined I'd be this much of a wreck without her. It's clear I can't live without her. I need her by my side and I want to be by hers.