나 정 | Why Her?

[Chapter 5]

JEONGYEON'S POV

|22: 15|

Drink. Swallow. Sigh. Repeat.

Yup, that's How my night is gonna go. Wonderful, Right?

I used to be so much more than just, this, and now I'm absolutely nothing.

Every day I wake up not knowing what to do, not knowing why I keep waking up to nothing and no one.

I pushed everyone away so far that I can no longer reverse it. Everything seems unreachable.

Yes I still have my parents but, I can never let them know what is actually going on with my life.

I just give them what they want and that's enough for them. That's enough for me. No need to create a bigger drama, no need for bigger argues and more explanations.

Like a month ago, I went to a doctor because I really want to know what is actually going on with me and pushing everyone away.

Well, I indeed got the answer that I was looking for.

I have Mauerbauertraurigkeit. Long word, I know. It took me myself a few times to hear it to actually understand the word.

So what is Mauerbauertraurigkeit? It's the urge to push people away, even people I really like.

Yeah, well at least that explains why I indeed have that urge.

I'm just sitting here on the bar, drinking my poison while watching people dance like animals.

I haven't spotted one single person who is practically not a horny teenager.

But who am I to judge? I'm a total loser, just like them.

I acknowledge my defeat and that's why I backed off.

Though I just can't help it but wonder, what if I didn't back off?

What if, What if I fought harder? What if I didn't hide behind my finger?

Would things be different? Would I be happy? Would I get more heartbroken?

Who am I kidding, I can't get more heartbroken than I already am.

I won't lie, Yes I push her away, but I also look out for her from afar. In case this precious boyfriend of hers won't be able to save her.

Yes it hurts me even more because I often have to witness the two being sweet to each other, but I'm willing to take it all. Just for her.

Loud music blasting from every corner of the bar, dresses too short, guys too horny and drunk, and poor bartenders having to put up with every asshole that comes in here.

Before I knew it, my glass was empty and of course I needed another one.

I called the bartender but He clearly was busy with another costumer.

I waited patiently for them to finish but they were taking so damn long that my patience no longer existed.

As I was about to call the bartender again, I saw him from the corner of my eye filling my glass again.

My order was a Four Horsemen No. 3 with Black Russian and a dose of Sazerac.

Yup, three different alcoholic drinks all to myself. That's what I call a little dangerous paradise.

I know drinking is not going to help in any way but hey, at least it keeps me numb and kinda sane.

Same long lonely night, always thinking how my life end up like this.